Advice To Our Various Selves
When you are in the incredible position of watching your children grow into adulthood, it is hard not to reminisce about who you were at their age. In my reverie, I find myself thinking about the things I know now that I wish I knew then.
What do I wish someone had told me? What do I want my daughters (I have three girls) to know before they waste a lifetime of potential, energy, anxiety, and turmoil over the things I can now see don’t matter? What does matter?
I am not even sure that the most well expressed advice could really help our children (or us) bypass the hard things we all had to go through before gaining perspective and wisdom, sometimes only life can teach you what you need to know, but it is still worth asking what it is we wish we knew when we were younger, if only to gain perspective.
So, I put this question to our tribe of women at Vibe Vault Fit: “What piece of wisdom do you wish you had when you were younger?” I share all their wisdom at the end, but I want to summarize what seem to be emerging themes. The top four lessons seemed to focus on:
1) Self-love and knowing our own worth.
2) Being true to one-self: listening to and trusting ourselves, not living according to the expectations of others, not limiting ourselves, taking risks, living boldly.
3) Trusting the journey of life: knowing there will be hard moments, knowing change is inevitable, allowing ourselves to be happier by trusting, choosing joy, and living in the moment.
4) Caring for others but caring for ourselves first: both being more empathic but also more discerning and self-protective, not sacrificing ourselves to fix others.
You can read the full answers to the question at the end but there were a couple of wonderful summation responses I want to share here (I’ve kept all responses anonymous):
“- Accept what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be
- We must create our own opportunities.
- Don’t compare yourself to others; compare yourself to the person you were born to be!
- At the end, we regret only the chances we didn’t take. Take risks and be bold.”
“The 4 L’s: Live. Love. Laugh. Learn.
Live for today.
Love yourself first.
Laugh out loud.
Learn something new every day.
Lotion & Lipstick are a close 5th and 6th L’s: Moisturize always and a good lipsti k will always make you feel better!”
“Be nice to everyone everywhere. Put your phone down! Smile all the time.”
WHAT ABOUT OUR FUTURE SELVES:
Just as we can look back and think about the things we now know and wish we could share with our past selves, I wonder what our future selves, who we will be 10, 20, 30, 40 years, would want to tell our present selves.
I wonder if we can imagine it. Who is the person you want to be in the future, that ideal next version of yourself? Imagine her (or him). Imagine the life you want. If your future self could speak to you, what would s(he) tell you about how you become her/him. Who do you have to be to get there? What choices would you make? What would matter to you? What would no longer matter? What would you spend your effort, time, and attention on? What will you regret not doing?
Sometimes it is hard to shift out of our present mindset to know if we are living in a way that would really honor our ideal future selves. But maybe this will help: In a memoir entitled, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing,” Bonnie Ware shared what she learned from the end-of-life palliative care patients she looked after.
These are the top five regrets of people who are facing the end of their lives: 1) “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” 2) “I wish I hadn't worked so hard.” 3) “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.” 4) “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” 5) “I wish I had let myself be happier.”
While it might be too late to teach our past selves the things we now know, we can perhaps think about the things our future selves would want us to know, and live them now.
THE FULL RESPONSES:
I leave you with the responses from our community of wise women:
1) Self-Love And Knowing Our Own Worth.
“You don’t need a man to make you happy! Be happy with who you are.
“You are enough.”
“Love yourself.”
“Believe in yourself and know that you are worth knowing.”
“You have to speak nicely to yourself! No one else has to be nice to you, except you!”
“Know your worth and not just at work. Do not accept a man who makes you feel less”.
“What you have to say is important, do not let you or anyone make you feel small.”
“Treat people the way you want to be treated. People will treat you the way you let them treat you.”
“Each and everyone of us is fearfully and wonderfully woven, made in the image of God. No 2 are alike. Each person has God given talents. Do those things that you have been blessed with and love to do! Do you and be you!
2) Being True To One-Self: Listening to and trusting ourselves, not living according to the expectations of others, not limiting ourselves, taking risks, living boldly.
“Don’t let them tame you! Be the flame and keep yourself lit!”
“Trust Gut Instinct.”
“Trust your inner feeling above any outside messages or pressure, always.”
“It really doesn’t matter and no one cares! (i.e.: mess up, fail, be brave and don’t be insecure)”
“There is no such thing as perfection so you are allowed to make mistakes.”
“Your crazy “impossible” dreams are actually doable, go big.”
“Just be you – and own that shit.”
“What defines us? So many times/situations/problems/conflicts hitting at us different times in our lives and…shaping us. I personally feel that 50 has been the decade that I’m understanding myself. Appreciating myself. Knowing what I want, who I want to be, who I want in my life, and saying “no” (sometimes) etc. Of course, I wish I knew these things/felt these things when I younger but with age comes wisdom, right!? My younger self, wish I wasn’t so insecure and to not let what others think sway me so much. Others’ views and thoughts. Wish I would have pushed myself more with school and career. Be a leader and not a follower! (Though the balancing act is still in effect!)”
“Pieces of advice I give my younger self… don’t doubt yourself or accept limitations that others put on you. You don’t have to dim your light for anyone else to shine. Things might not always be perfect. But nothing is ever as perfect as it may seem. Things might not always be easy. But nothing worth doing [is] ever truly easy. Find joy in simple things and understand that not everyone will see the value in what you find joyful. Don’t allow others to steal your joy. Revel in the joy you find and create it as much as possible. Above all remember to be kind.”
“Work hard and never give up.”
3) Trusting The Journey Of Life: Knowing there will be hard moments, knowing change is inevitable, allowing ourselves to be happier by trusting, choosing joy, and living in the moment.
“My advice to my younger self:
There isn’t anything to forgive myself for if I figure out that I’d like to choose a different path than the one previously chosen.
It will always be ok to start over.
Or to try something completely new.
It will never be too late.
There is no limit to the number of paths I can take. Or the amount of times I try a new thing.
Or the number of times I reinvent myself.
It doesn’t make me fickle. It makes me brave. And adventurous.
I was not born to be stagnant. Or to sacrifice my life for anyone else. I am just as deserving as anyone and everyone else of opportunity, education and loving my own skin.
I am allowed to wholeheartedly embrace my own growth and change and follow those breadcrumbs into different chapters that will yield an extremely fulfilling life.
Other people’s opinions on my path and life fulfillment are not any of my concern.”
“Relax. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. Just breathe.”
“I have 2 pieces of advice that go hand in hand I'd like to share: 1. Change is hard. Early in your transition if you are doubting your decision (am I at the right school/job? Do I belong here?) ask yourself this question: Is it (the school, job, etc.) OR is it change? Most likely it's change because change is hard, especially in the beginning. Give it time. The grass is not always greener, it's just different grass that still requires change. Recall the reasons you made the decision. Don't be impulsive. Which leads to #2: 2. Nothing is permanent. IF you determine it's not the right fit, it's not a life sentence. Re-evaluate and do the work and research to determine what your next step should be. “
“I wish I knew the importance of “living in the moment” when I was younger.
I feel like I missed so much as I couldn’t wait for the next thing, I was always looking forward instead of looking at what was right there in front of me.
Although it took me some time, I am grateful to say I’m much better at this now.
I say it a lot to my boys (they will likely say ‘too much’) – but it’s so important to be in the moment in front of you.”
“Life is beautiful but it’s also hard. As children, life is typically looked at as fun, we are usually shielded from hardships and let’s face it as a rule we have less responsibilities than we do as adults. As we grow up we realize that life is sometimes tough, we have hardships, heartaches, loss etc. It is unavoidable. We are not always happy about our circumstances. I believe happiness is conditional. We may feel sad, angry, confused in fact our lives at times become a hodge podge of emotion. However, I believe we can choose Joy. If we approach life and it’s challenges with an attitude of gratitude our mindset begins to shift. We can find beauty in the mundane, peace in the chaos and even joy through our tears. How you start your day can make a big difference. Be grateful each morning for at least one thing. This is not always easy, it takes practice and can be challenging. There will always be conditions that may make it difficult to be happy, but I think we can always Choose Joy. It is a powerful one.”
“This is a temporary life and test. Prepare yourself for eternal life after you die.”
4) Caring For Others But Caring For Ourselves First: Both being more empathic but also more discerning and self-protective, not sacrificing ourselves to fix others.
“I do wish I had taken more time before trusting others. Not everyone comes from the same place or sensibilities that we are raised with.
I should have been more discerning in forming relationships of trust.
I don’t subscribe to getting mired in regret. What can I do to today to avoid or repair those things that make me wince on reflection?
That’s true wisdom to me”
“First thing(s) that came to my mind and that I still say to my 23&24 year olds is:
Make Good Choices.
Treat others like you like to be treated!
Someone always has it worse.
What I wish I understood more as a child was not to take things personally. It’s not about me, everyone has their own things they are dealing with. (just learned 2 years ago the meaning of an Empath!) could have helped me in many areas of my life.”
“As a mother of 3 I would tell my girl or my boys to have a committed relationship with a healthy person. Do not give up your life trying to fix someone that’s broken. That person has to want to get better on their own. Each person needs to come into a committed relationship with a healthy frame of mind and body and build each other up.”
5) Succinct Summations:
“- Accept what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be.
- We must create our own opportunities.
- Don’t compare yourself to others; compare yourself to the person you were born to be!
- At the end, we regret only the chances we didn’t take. Take risks and be bold.”
“The 4 L’s: Live. Love. Laugh. Learn.
Live for today.
Love yourself first.
Laugh out loud.
Learn something new every day.
Lotion & Lipstick are a close 5th and 6th L’s: Moisturize always and a good lipsti k will always make you feel better!”
“Be nice to everyone everywhere. Put your phone down! Smile all the time.”
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO SHARED YOUR WISDOM!