Still You
Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time cleaning out my closet. In an effort to purge the excess while still having clothes to wear, I’ve been taking a look at what works in my daily life, and what makes me feel at home. At the same time, I’m planning for a trip, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t purchased a few more... aspirational items. Because of course, on vacation I’ll suddenly be bolder! Fancier! Different! But, why?
I saw a video by a stylist the other day, and he said something that really stuck with me: “You are still the same person on vacation as you are at home”. That made me stop and look at the pile of bodysuits I was planning to pack, knowing full well that I hate tight clothes, next to the piles of bright colors and impractical shoes that present the same problem. Why do we wait for a grand event to step out of our comfort zone? And further, why does stepping out of our comfort zone feel obligatory in these situations?
While this stylist was specifically referring to style of dress, it got me thinking about the ways that this concept bleeds into my life on a deeper level. For 27 years I have told myself that each time I go to a new place or prepare for a new experience, I should gear myself up to adopt an altered personality. I’ve never been the loud friend, or the party friend, or the most relaxed family member. And part of me feels pressured, by myself and no one else, to become those things for a moment. Otherwise, the event or trip will be disappointing—won’t it? An extension of this often presents itself as a somewhat different concern. That is, I am unable to “be myself” unless I am in a very particular environment. I convince myself that this type of discomfort is not the fault of my insecurities, but the result of being at some sort of a disadvantage. There is a lot of unpack there—far more than there is space for in such a brief post. But my takeaway from this jumble of thoughts has been this: I have been waiting 27 years for some grand occasion to exist comfortably as I am. And to exist fully.
So, as I pack my bags for my first international trip, I have forced myself to pause. There is a fairytale version of this vacation in my mind that includes a suddenly bolder me skipping through the streets of Italy in a bright red dress. As if as soon as I touch down, some transformation of my personality will occur, and the quirks and idiosyncrasies that have shaped me for years will no longer exist. And in a way, I feel required to want that. But, what if I don’t? What if the most wonderful outcome would be the ability to be the same person who is simply in a different place? Allowing myself to hope for this has been a breath of fresh air.
In three days, I will head to the airport with a suitcase full of black clothing and some sensible boots. This is in no way sad, boring, or disappointing. Quite the contrary! I am setting myself up to feel at home, so that I can soak up each new experience with no pressure or pretense. If you feel empowered to adopt a wardrobe of casual ballgowns and new attitudes during the next adventure in your life, that is a beautiful thing. But may you never do so out of the pressure to change for the sake of changing, or uproot who you are just to fit the scenery.