Dear Self: It’s Not About You
Dear Self,
Look, I know it’s hard. In fact, I’ve noticed that you’ve been struggling lately. The everyday stressors are piling up, and people just seem...worse lately. You find yourself feeling misunderstood and underappreciated. Some days, it even feels like everyone is upset with you for no reason at all. You have so much to offer but feel completely invisible.
Well, I have some encouragement to share with you. It may not be what you expect, but trust me, it will bring you peace once you understand it.
“You are the main character in your own story”.
I’ve seen many variations of this motivational statement floating around lately. The idea is that only you can be the one to build a life, a story, that is authentic to who you are. And, that you should not let the expectations of others prevent you from building that story. What you may not realize yet is that there is a second part attached to this statement that, while a bit less rosy, is equally as important as the first.
“You are the main character in your own story, and no one else’s”.
It's true. No matter how many amazing, empathetic people you have in your life, no matter how supportive your partner or family are, you will only ever be the main character in your own story. Let that sink in.
In his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, Dale Carnegie wrote:
“When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves”.
This isn’t a bad thing—it makes sense! We are wired to survive, and inherent in that survival is the need to look out for ourselves first. In fact, everything we do originates from our own individual bubbles. We live from the inside out, acting through the unique lens of our own perceptions, life experiences, and philosophies. When I first really thought about this, it stung. Does that mean I really am invisible to others? Are we all just self-serving creatures at the end of the day? Well, yes and no. But that is the good news. This information provides some valuable insight on how we interact with each other, and how we can do better with meeting people halfway.
So, that time your co-worker snapped at you today—they probably have many other things on their mind. And no, it is not likely that they spent the rest of their afternoon thinking terrible thoughts about you. The friend who hasn’t returned your texts for a few days but is posting online is probably not singling you out as someone who they don’t want to talk to. They probably just don’t have the brain power today. They may have even totally forgotten. The point is, 95 percent of the time, it’s just not about you. This doesn’t give anyone a pass to behave badly toward you or for you to do the same. But it does offer a reality check that can make life a bit less stressful if you accept it. For me, it has offered a way to stop myself from overanalyzing every unpleasant interaction I’ve ever had and placing myself at the center of it.
This may not immediately fix your frustration with others, and it certainly won’t make the overwhelm that you’re feeling instantly disappear. But it’s a step toward freeing yourself from the headache of assuming that you are responsible for the thoughts and actions of others, and that they should be responsible for yours. I dare you to decenter yourself before jumping to conclusions in your daily interactions. You won’t recognize yourself once you do.
— me