Sorry (Not Sorry)

I spend a lot of time listening to podcasts, reading blog posts and otherwise researching all sorts of life topics. A lot of it is simply in my quest to learn more about this weird thing called “life” that we are all trying to navigate, and maybe to learn how to understand myself… 

Doing all of this reading and listening, I hear a lot of ideas and opinions. Some inspire me. Some educate me. Some anger me. Some confuse me. Some lead me to answers. And some just lead to more questions.

Now, I listen to so many of these things that I sometimes forget who said what. Not a great place to start, I know. But one of these unknown sources recently said something that truly started the gears in my head turning. It was at the end of August, gearing up for September, and the person said that September is “no apologies month.”

And it really made me pause when I heard it.

I don’t know about you, but I apologize a lot. For a lot of different things.

“I’m sorry I was late”

“I’m sorry I was early”

“I’m sorry I missed your call”

“I’m sorry I bothered you”

“I’m sorry for being so quiet”

“I’m sorry for being so loud”

And on and on and on.

So the idea of NOT apologizing? For an entire month? Is that even possible?

The idea behind this, from what I understood, was to stop blaming ourselves for things that are not our fault or responsibility. To stop apologizing for being who we are, for prioritizing our own needs, for making time and space for the things that lift us up, or for living in our own truths. It is intended to encourage us to accept who, where, and what we are right here, in this moment, and to truly own our path, our journey, and our goals. The purpose is empowerment. Strength.  Right in line with what we’re talking about here at Vibe this month!

All of that is amazing. I’m totally on board.

But.

But I can’t get over the fact that… this mindset is incomplete. It gives the idea that apologizing is a form of weakness.  And that… I’m less on board with.

Sure, there are times when apologizing, and especially over-apologizing, only serves to diminish our own strength. When we apologize for something that is outside of our span of control, or for someone else’s mistake or mis-doing, we are actually giving away our power.

But there  are also times when apologizing is the strongest thing that we can do.  Apologizing when we have truly done something wrong or hurtful, even unintentionally, is a beautiful way of taking accountability for our own actions. Apologizing sincerely and earnestly can communicate care for the other person and for the relationship between you, and that is a very powerful form of communication.

It can be a hard lesson to learn, when and how to apologize, and also when and how not to. Believe it or not, my kids are very used to me telling them NOT to apologize to me. I tell them not to apologize if they’ve done nothing wrong. I also, though, tell them not to apologize if they are not planning on modifying their behavior or changing their mindset or actions. Because an apology without intention to learn, grow, or repair the hurt that has been done… is just empty words. Meaningless at best, manipulation at worst. So I try to help them learn not to dilute the words “I’m sorry,” not to steal the power that is truly possible with those two little words.

So rather than taking a month completely off from apologizing, maybe, instead, we can take this month to examine our apologies. Don’t allow those powerful words to steal your true strength. Use them to connect and to correct.  Just as the idea of “no apologies month” is intended to empower us, also remember that apologies are, in and of themselves, also a sign of strength. 

I believe in you.

And I’m not sorry about that.