Regretfully Yours

This month at Vibe Vault Fit, we have chosen to focus on “Reflection” as a theme. For me, however, reflection often spirals into regret.  Regret for missteps, for things I’ve done, and equally for things I didn’t do. Regret for experiences I never got to have, goals I never achieved, regret for the person I wanted to be but wasn’t, and so much additional loss.  It’s not a small regret, it’s a deep pit of painful, big R, Regret. 

Some things we regret, we can fix. If you did something wrong (an action regret) or didn’t so something you wish you had (inaction regret) you can do it now or otherwise try to fix it. However, there are things we cannot take back.  Things we cannot undo.  As much as we wish, and hope, and try to make up for mistakes, some wrongs cannot be undone.  Some choices lead you down paths that have no routes for return.  Some losses can never be recovered, and in life sometimes you run out of time for things you wish you had done or experienced.  Those are the hardest regrets to come to terms with.  The ones with permanence attached.

I want to be the person who looks back and instead of focusing on loss, can see all the good things. I also want to be able to see myself in a more productive, helpful way, instead of all the ways I went wrong.  But when I start to reflect, regret often lassos me in, tight. 

I share this because I imagine I am not alone in this tussle with regret. In fact, research shows regret to be one of the most common emotions, with 90% of people admitting to severe regret over something in their lives.   It’s impossible to be human and to be perfect. It’s impossible to be human and have a perfect life.  There are so many different paths we can take but only one life we can live, so each choice we make also means not choosing the alternate. At some point in some way, if we look back at ourselves and our lives, regret will always be a part of that reflection. 

So, I’ve been asking myself, what do I do with regret? What can we all do with regret?

Like all other emotions, it seems the only way past regret is through.

While wallowing or ignoring can both be destructive ways of dealing with any negative emotion, including regret, I’m not sure superficially glossing over the mistakes we have made, or simply “getting over it” are most adaptive either.  Like any kind of permanent loss, regret may always remain a part of our story, but the answer to dealing with it may lie in creating a different relationship to the things we regret.  That, I believe, has to start with actually allowing ourselves to feel it.

Why feel it?

Because we need to absorb it, before we can transform it.

Because we need to understand it, so we can use it. 

What we don’t feel, we cannot process.  Unprocessed emotions sit like boulders on our psyche, keeping us stuck in perpetuating cycles of thought and behavior, preventing us from growing forward.  But emotions, even when painful and hard, are useful.  If we allow them in, they teach us about ourselves, our needs and values, and can motivate us to create necessary change. 

If we listen, regret clarifies what we value and instructs us on a way forward.  Allowing in the anguish of regret becomes the fuel we need to become better people, to see through the complex choices, and do the hard work we sometimes need to do to live a life that is more fulfilling and authentic to who we ideally want to be.  Resisting regret will only give it power.  Allowing it in, feeling it, exploring it, will give us the power to change and do better. 

Culturally today, we associate hard & painful with wrong.  But hard & painful is also a necessary part of growth.  We are built to survive hard & painful.  We are stronger than we think.  

The danger comes in dwelling in the negative stuff, which is not the same as allowing.  Dwelling occurs when we perpetuate spirals of negative thought and emotion through judgement.  Judging ourselves as good or bad is what keeps us stuck in the torment of regret.  The key is allowing, feeling, and exploring regret without the accompanied judgement.

In my experience, self-compassion is the only counter to judgement and becomes critical to accessing the motivating power of regret. 

I do know this, we cannot hate ourselves into becoming better.  We only grow in warmth.  So, if we are to develop a better relationship with regret, self-compassion is our only way through. We messed up, we hurt someone, we weren’t the person we hoped we would be, we let opportunities go, we didn’t rise to the occasion, we never did the thing we said we were going to do, we failed, we gave up, we said the wrong thing, we treated someone unfairly, we weren’t there, we didn’t tell someone how much the meant before it was too late… allow yourself to feel regret, but then instead of getting mired in it by all the self-judgment, ask yourself, “what can I learn from this.”

When I allow regret in, it can definitely bring me to my knees, it is hard and deeply painful, but afterward – if I don’t continue to beat myself down (I think that phrase makes more sense than “beat myself up”) – it teaches me what matters most to me.  It teaches me what I need, what I value, and what I want to work hard for. If I allow it, it motivates me to see differently, to think differently, to do differently.  Regret even helps me recognize the fragility of life, the things that are not guaranteed, and from all of that grows a sense of gratitude for all that is good and right around me. 

One more thing, I’ve realized the process of moving through emotions is not linear; we don’t feel regret, process it, and then get rid of it.  The good and bad in life are intertwined.  Regret and motivation, loss and gratitude, are intertwined, and the two parts remain in an undulating dance with each other throughout our lives.  Sometimes we will feel the regret more and may be weighed down by the loss and sadness.  Other times, we will be inspired to grab opportunities, to work harder, do better, to say yes more, and see through a lens of gratitude. 

So, if you are like me, and reflection spirals to regret.  It’s ok.  Allow it in, sit with it for a moment, then use it.