Sleepwalkers

My father passed away when his health declined suddenly and precipitously six years after a cancer diagnosis.  I spent his last days running around arranging in-home care for him, trying to make sure he ate whatever I could get in him and that he got what he needed throughout the nights.  I had little kids and had taken on the responsibility of being his main caregiver, so it was hard to focus on anything but the urgent list of tasks that were just ahead of me, and any additional emergencies that intervened.  I was in triage mode, trying to manage the ever-changing landscape of factors arising from his quick decline while also trying to anticipate everything that could potentially come up.  My vision and thoughts were focused, myopic. My emotions, all over the place. 

I was grateful to have been with him during his last days, and it meant everything to me to be able to be there to say goodbye as he moved on into his home beyond ours. 

It was hard to lose my father, as I know it must be for everyone who has lost a parent, but what I want to talk about is the three days after.  For three days after my father passed, our house felt like it was shining.  Everything literally seemed brighter, clearer, more colorful & intense in a good way.  I felt a sense of peace and calm.  At that time, I liked imagining it was my father’s liberated spirit shining on us that caused the special sheen, but as I think back now, I believe there may be a different explanation:

I had woken up.

If you’ve witnessed death or lost someone very close to you, you might know that after-feeling of life seeming altered.  Everything comes into a slightly different focus.  There is a heightened awareness of the precariousness of existence as well as the finite quality of time. What may have mattered before seems inconsequential after and what may have seemed inconsequential before may mean everything after.

Maybe you start to notice all the things you used to take for granted. Maybe little annoyances fade as your heart fills with gratitude for the people in your life and for life itself.  Maybe you start to see beauty in things you never even paid attention to before, like a flower, a bird, the color of the sky, the sound of silence.  Maybe you are no longer willing to give your time and attention away to things that steal your peace or your joy (things like anger, resentment, social comparison, negative self-talk, others’ opinions, gossip, complaining, perfectionism, worry, constant striving).  Instead, you begin protecting each experience by taking it in fully, absorbing and savoring every aspect of the present moment.

This is what it means to be awake; An open awareness to what is, noticing, taking in, savoring, cherishing, being fully present.  When you live awake, that is when the world around you starts to shimmer. 

We are, however, rarely awake and present in our day to day lives.  Instead, we sleepwalk through life, moving on autopilot while our minds are absorbed in thoughts of the past (e.g., ruminating over things that went wrong) or the future (worries, anticipations, to do lists).

When I was in the thick of caring for my father in his last days, I was full of stress and worry and was running around in a furious frenzy.  While in this state, I don’t think I spent any time being really present with my father. However, in his last hours or so, when I accepted he was going, when I surrendered to what was, I stopped running and instead focused on spending those last moments sitting with him, really being with him.  I wanted to absorb everything I could from each of those moments, and they ended up being some of the most profound of my life.

For three days after, my perspective, and my focus was shifted.  I saw everything anew. Things that mattered before no longer occupied my thoughts.  Instead, I felt grateful.  I was more open, more aware, and more present to each moment, and everything shone. 

Why just three days? Perhaps it is because we are so practiced, and therefore, so easily pulled into living in a sleepwalk-like trance.

The passing of my father is an extreme example, but there are everyday examples of sleepwalking. Ever get home from work and not remember the drive?  Ever get stressed about the dinner you are trying to get on the table, or the work you are trying to complete, and miss your child walking in and out of the room saying something you barely registered? Ever get so intent on protecting yourself or winning an argument that you don’t really listen to what your partner is experiencing?  Ever get so focused on your to do list that you don’t even know how beautiful the sky looks and how warm the sun feels that day?  Ever eat a meal in five minutes and don’t remember tasting what you ate?  Ever scroll on Instagram, and when you look up again, an hour has passed?

 How do we Awaken?

We don’t have to wait for extreme circumstances to wake us up to the wonder of each moment, all we need to do is surrender to that moment.  Why surrender?  We cannot take in a moment if we are simultaneously trying to manipulate or control that moment.  Relinquishing control, surrender, is essential to being fully present and awake.  While there is value in striving, human beings need goals and drive to move forward in life, constant striving - always trying to exert control over our lives, always looking ahead and never around - might mean we miss the gifts that are available to us in the now. 

Try this:  Step outside, take slow deep breaths, slow down your heart-rate, and put your worries, to do lists, past and future thoughts on hold for just a few minutes, give into what is, wake up to notice what is around you as if you are seeing everything again for the first time. 

Is it brighter yet?