You Can Be Both

On Giving Yourself Permission to Defy Their Expectations

“You’ve changed.” 

“I’ve never seen this side of you before.” 

“I never expected this from you”.  

I’d wager that most of us have been on the receiving (or even giving) end of these or similar  phrases at some point in our lives. Perhaps it stung a little when you read them, as you recalled a  time of disappointment or anger. Or, perhaps they remind you of a time of liberation, a sigh of  relief when you finally let go of what others expected of you. Both of these reactions are valid and  of course, not mutually exclusive. But today, I want to focus specifically on the latter.  

I have been an athlete since elementary school, a dancer since high school, and “mature for my  age” since the day I could walk. About three years ago, I added group fitness instructor to this list  of descriptors. I had never given much thought to how “out of character” this role seemed for me  until this past summer. I was laughing with a friend over coffee after just taking them to one of my  Zumba classes. Suddenly they got serious and said: 

“You know, during class, I kind of stopped for a second and thought, ‘how the hell did we  get here?’”.  

I scrunched up my forehead and thought, they have a point. If you asked someone who just met  me (and trust me, I have), how they would describe me, you would get answers such as reserved,  quiet, shy, and, sometimes even standoffish. This is not meant to be a self-deprecating list—to me  these are neutral descriptors that I have found bear some truth, and I have no problem with that.  They surely don’t encompass my entire personality, and I’d like to think that my friends would  expand on this list kindly. But the point is, even those closest to me have found it hard to imagine,  and even confusing, that I could get up on stage and lead a group of people in shaking their hips,  let alone enjoy it.  

Usually, I am a very analytical person. Studying logic for six years will do that to you, after all. I  wrestled with this for a bit. They were right—why am I able to do this? Knowing myself: how  long it takes me to recover from social situations, how often I have my nose in a book, how much  I hate attention...it just doesn’t make sense. Then, in some odd moment of grace I thought, “so what?”. What if it doesn’t matter that no one expects this side of me? What if it doesn’t matter if  it makes sense? What if, *gasp*, we are all meant to be multifaceted human beings?  

Those thoughts were so freeing. We are all so beautifully unique. So, what if we flipped the script  on what it feels like to defy the expectations of others? We are creatures of comfort. We crave  familiarity and order. It makes sense that, even if someone changes for the better or surprises us in  a positive way, we may at first feel confused or even a little betrayed. It is so crucial to remember  that yes, we crave familiarity, but we also each possess a unique identity that constantly ebbs and  flows. We are liquid. How cool is that?  

One of the things I admire most about our specific community is how multi-dimensional we all  are. We are students coming to rest their minds and strengthen their bodies. We are mothers who  spend their Friday nights striking sexy poses in a 305 class. We are grandmothers and grandfathers  making connections in a vibrant community. We are introverts finding our bolder side through  dance. We are nurses and teachers, engineers and entrepreneurs physically kicking away life’s struggles after their hardest days. And we are all lifting each other up along the way. Some  of these things may even seem contradictory, but why? You are not bound to your astrological  signs, your enneagram type, or the expectations of others. That is, unless you choose to be. 

So please, be both. When you discover parts of yourself that defy the narrative others expect you  to stick to, pursue them. Lean into those layers, because at the end of the day, it doesn’t have to  make sense. You cannot logic your way into becoming your fullest and truest self. Whoever that  is, it is a narrative that belongs to you, and no one can predict the ways in which it might surprise  you.  

“You’ve changed”. Thank you. 

“I’ve never seen this side of you before”. I’m excited to share it with you. 

“I never expected this from you”. Me neither, but I’m embracing it.