Our Happy Faces.

These last couple of weeks I may have looked fairly “normal” from the outside.  If our paths crossed and you asked me how I was, I likely replied something to the effect of, “I’m good. Tired, but all good. How are you?”

To be honest, that response was honest, but only for a part of me. 

There is another part of me that has been deeply sad, struggling, anxious and exhausted. 

I’ve smiled and danced and whooped it up as I taught dance fitness classes, laughed at jokes, and made light conversation with many friends and acquaintances.  Those have all been real.  I’ve also had some happy and meaningful interactions with my kids and husband that brought true joy. 

I don’t think anyone would suspect that while I did all these things, there was also an underlying constant and deep sadness. 

I mean, sometimes even I was unaware.

I would only recognize it in my need to watch a little more tv, spend more time zoned out on social media, or when I’d be unable to sleep, create or concentrate.  Or when I sat alone and quiet, and tears would unexpectedly flow.

See, while I’ve been going on with life as usual, there has been an ongoing challenge with a family member (I am not really at liberty to share what), that has been heartbreaking for me. 

I’ve learned lately the things that affect me most deeply are the ones I find hardest to talk about. 

So, I’ve just been going about my day.

It got me thinking…

I’m not the only one.

We live in a world where so many of us have this part that carries on with our day as usual, while there is another part of us that may not be so ok.  That part may be dealing with loss, fear, pain, sadness, insecurity, anxiety, or despair.  Many of us have hard things we are confronting like illness, death, relationship struggles, addiction, mental illness, trauma, or challenges with our kids, work, money, or parents.

We put on our happy faces and go about our day while internally our hearts can be breaking or our lives falling apart.  On the one hand, I am awed by the resilience it can take to do this; there is a lot of strength and grace in being able to function and smile through difficult times. But I guess questions that also came up for me were:

Is it good for us to be so emotionally compartmentalized?

Why do we even do this?  Why do we create a false front in our interactions?

Why can’t we be human at work? In the grocery store? At a social event?

What would happen if we did share more?

I live in this world, so I can guess some of the reasons why we (I) sometimes keep our struggles hidden.  I’m guessing the following:

• Expectations about things we can and cannot share

• We don’t want to burden others

• The thought that no one will care

• We would feel too exposed and vulnerable

• We fear others will be critical, judgmental, or betray us

• People will regard us as unstable, unreliable, or at least unprofessional

• We don’t want to be a “downer”, no one wants to be around someone who is sad

• And perhaps the biggest one; shame 

I’m sure you will be able to think of many other reasons.  All of these seem legitimate given the way our world is set up and our societies function, and maybe ultimately the risk of sharing feels too great. 

The question that then comes to mind is:  What is the cost of living this way?

I believe one cost is unprocessed stress which builds in our bodies and minds, and the concomitant Illnesses (mental and physical) brought about by that stress; i.e. anxiety, depression, ADHD, and autoimmune diseases.  Another cost may be maladaptive coping mechanisms such as addictions or substance abuse, which we use to help us in our efforts to stay compartmentalized and numb.  The most damaging repercussion, however, may be disconnection; separation from our own internal worlds, leading to a loss of connection from ourselves and ultimately, others.  An eventual aloneness. 

I don’t know how to move our culture away from one where we feel the need to put on a happy face to one where we can engage more openly and honestly with each other, but I imagine a first impetus for that change may be in questioning and challenging why we even live this way?  Then asking ourselves the follow-up question, “Are we sure? Are we sure we want to live like this? Are we sure it is the healthiest, most fulfilling way for us to be?”

Putting on a face requires energy; energy that could be used instead to deepen our connections and get through the hard stuff. If we can create a space for each other where it feels safe to share, safe to be fully ourselves, we could maybe be there for each other.  If we take shame out of the picture and accept our mutual humanity, it may not feel so threatening to be vulnerable. 

I don’t know how to get there, but I can imagine that world. 

What I do know is life is hard, and we need each other to get through the hard.  If you’re having a rough day, I hope you don’t feel you have to wear a smile for me.