Rest in Retrograde:Thoughts on Begrudgingly Getting What I Needed
“Chronic stress causes the muscles in the body to be more or less in a constant state of guardedness. When muscles are taut and tense for long periods of time, this may trigger other reactions of the body and even promote stress-related disorders.”.
“Stress Effects on the Body”
American Psychological Association
I would love to know if anything was going on with the stars two weeks ago, because what a week I had. For the last few months, I have been gearing up for a busy August. My fiancé and I had events booked and travel paid for. Honestly, I was getting worn down just mentally preparing to fit it into my already overwhelming schedule. The last thing I was expecting was for those plans to unravel in quick succession.
First, the concert I had been looking forward to got cancelled. The next day, I threw out my back and ended up in urgent care. I was injured enough that I could not get on a plane…which meant cancelling a 4-day trip to Buffalo for a wedding. I didn’t notice how bizarre this domino effect felt until after it all blew over.
While my feelings about the idea of “manifesting” remain in flux, I can’t shake the feeling that this chain of events was purposeful in some way. I suppose on one hand you could say that putting my stress out into the universe manifested these events. It certainly felt like the someone or something was out to get me in some way. But upon deeper reflection what struck me the most was that my body seemed to be correcting my course.
I am very lucky to live the multifaceted life that I do. Each day there are things that I love built into my schedule to supplement my mundane days at the office. That being said, those extra jobs (no matter how much I enjoy them), my distain for being sedentary, and my desire to please everyone have caused me to chronically over-commit. No matter how much we try to outsmart them, our bodies always notice. In this case mine noticed and twisted my arm, (or…back), until I got the message. As I was stuck on the couch healing, I had a thought that shook me: what if in the name of doing the things that I love, I treat my body so poorly that I won’t be able to do them much longer? That would crush me. But at the rate that I’m going, it would be entirely my doing.
I gained so much from this almost comical chain of events. It has been an impetus to slow down. I was pulled out of my head and humbled. I mean, it can’t get more humbling than relying on my fiancé to help me hobble around for a few days. But it also could not have been more beautiful, or more brutally necessary. I spent almost a week being dependent on someone else, which is not something I ever allow myself to do. That week gave me more profound glimpse of the deeply loving marriage that I am about to enter into, coupled with the sting of realizing that running myself into the ground has left me too exhausted to bask in it.
So, why share all of this? Because I know I’m not the only one. Because productivity could render us unable to do the things that matter. Because your worth as a person is not increased by your amount of yes’s. This is not the first time I’ve written about this, but I am determined that it will be my last. August was making me dizzy, but I am looking forward to September. I have pared down my schedule and said some hard goodbyes. I am in the process of re-prioritizing. Coffee is not breakfast, four hours of sleep is not enough, and I couldn’t outrun my body’s intuition if I tried. I am ready for a life where I have more to say than “I’m tired”.