New Year, Who Dis?

This post got real personal real fast. To the point that I almost chose to not post it. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. But that’s what made me realize that it was important.

So here we go.

Here we are, halfway through January. Are you still hearing all of the “New Year, New Me!” rhetoric? I’ve never been a proponent of that - it always made me feel like there was something inherently wrong with the old me. And… that I had to reinvent myself every year.

But this year, that constant refrain hit me in a different way. It made me realize something that I hadn’t ever really allowed myself to consider, much less put into words.

How can I reinvent myself (setting aside the question of whether I should or not) if…I don’t know who I am. And, honestly, I am not sure I ever did.

I know who people thought I should be. I know who some people think I am. I know the things that I have done and the places I have been. I know the habits and routines that I follow.

But… I don’t know who I am.

Don’t ask me my favorite color. Or my favorite book. Or my favorite movie. Don’t ask my favorite food or drink… I like a bunch of things, but I am now wondering if those are rooted in my routines, rather than in some deeper soil. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely have things that I like and dislike, but somehow… I am never comfortable with the idea of a favorite.

So dive down the rabbit hole with me, now that we are staring down from the edge.

I worry that I never bothered to develop a personality of my own, rather that I always allowed myself to be defined in relation to others, or, as time went on, as others defined me. I was who I was in relation to my parents and siblings. I was the neighborhood in which I grew up, the schools I attended. I was the grades that I achieved, especially in comparison to the others in my classes. I was the activities I did, whether I chose them or not. I was defined by my height, my size, the length of my hair, or the clothes that I wore. I was how well I matched up with others’ expectations of me, even though I didn’t quite understand what those expectations were based on.

And let me be honest. In many ways, it was easy that way. The few things I do know about myself are that I am not a big fan of being the center of attention - I generally avoid calling attention to myself. And I will avoid conflict at almost any cost. I may not know much about myself, but I do know that I am a classic people pleaser. And… I have begun to realize that… maybe that is the flip side of the same coin.

The question is now… what do I do about this?

Because part of the problem is that I have been this way for so long that many people around me are comfortable and familiar with this version of me. And any attempts I have made, no matter how small, of breaking out of this box… have made people uncomfortable. Which activates my people-pleaser-ness, and I retreat.

So, instead of this new year ushering in a new me, maybe it’s the time to give myself permission to be… just… me. Whoever that is. Perhaps this is my moment to set aside the fear of disappointing anyone else with who I am. An opportunoity to actually take the time to look deep inside, not avert my eyes or distract myself in my comfort zone, and to sort through whatever I might find lurking there - good, bad, ugly, or otherwise. Maybe this new year is the time to learn who I already am. To dust off the pieces of me that have been buried for far too long. To choose a favorite… anything. To remember that it matters that I am here, that I am me, and that I am allowed to explore that.