Four “B.I.G. M-istakes” We Make in Relationships
This is Part 1 of a 2-part blog on relationships. Part two will be on “The relationships we C.R.A.V.E.”
Okay, so these titles are a little clunky, which (of course) can only mean they were written that way on purpose.
As I was thinking about relationships and things that potentially derail them versus those that seem to fortify and deepen them, I came up with key factors that I wanted to tie up in little packages (using ACRONYMS), to offer as a gift for the holidays. This week I am going to share my thoughts on factors that negatively impact relationships and in my next blog I will offer thoughts on positive contributors.
First are factors that stress relationships, the BIG M-istakes: Blame, Invalidation, Guilting/Shaming, and overall Manipulation (see what I’m doing here?):
The first big mistake in relationships is BLAME. People do wrong things. Our partners sometimes act in ways that hurt us or undermine us, but apart from situations in which there is real abuse, blame is counterproductive. Blame breaks safety, trust, and mutuality in a relationship. It creates a stance of opposition. Blame in either direction causes defenses to rise, builds armor instead of connection and moves couples toward mistrust and conflict rather than partnership in figuring out a solution to a problem. I’m not saying nobody is ever to blame, I’m saying, what’s the point?
INVALIDATION is another biggie. While we choose our partners in part because we feel we share similar values, dreams, and other commonalities, our partners are separate beings from us with fundamentally different histories, temperaments, biology, needs, longings, drives and fears. The longer I experience life and people, two maxims have proven themselves to be true: anyone is capable of anything given the right confluence of circumstance, and we can never truly understand the life of another until we have walked a mile (or more likely 1000) in their shoes. As close as we are to our partners, as much as we believe we know them, we are not them and they are not us. This means they will make different decisions, will load the dishwasher a different way, have opposing perspectives and goals, react unexpectedly, love differently, experience an event (or life overall) in a unique way, and sometimes evolve to want different things. Yet both perspectives in a partnership are valid.
Valid doesn’t mean correct. Valid doesn’t mean most adaptive. There may in fact be a better way to load the dishwasher, but each one of us come by our reactions, feelings, and thoughts through our own specific experiences. We learned them and earned them honestly, and at one time they likely helped us. While the work to improve one’s life or relationship may be in shifting one’s own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors, change is unlikely to happen while a person is under attack. We cannot berate someone into believing they can be better. In fact, it is not our job at all to change a person, only they can do that, but the less we respect our partner’s journey, the less we will be able to walk alongside and be a part of it. Invalidating statements sound like, “You are being sensitive” “that’s not true” or “No one else feels that way.” Cutting someone off from expressing what they feel is also a form of invalidation.
A third mistake is GUILTING & SHAMING, and both fall under a broader umbrella of MANIPULATION (the ultimate “BIG-M”), but guilt and shame are huge so let’s handle them first. Guilting is where we consciously or semi-consciously incite guilt to get our partners to do what we want. Guilt-tripping may come out in sarcasm or passive-aggressive remarks, dismissive body language, over-exaggerated reactions, & somehow suggesting our partner has disappointed us or otherwise fallen short. Guilt-tripping is indirect communication aimed at forcing our own way. Shaming is making a person feel bad for who they are via put-downs, belittling, gaslighting, not accepting an apology, invalidating an emotional response, exposing our partner outside of your relationship (think criticizing or revealing a personal conversation in front of the kids), dismissing our partner with the silent treatment, and other forms of rejection.
I just saw a quote pop up on Instagram that describes a difference between shaming and supporting. A shaming partner may say “Why are you being so dramatic?” while an open receptive partner may say, “Tell me more.”
Guilting and shaming are both forms of MANIPULATION, which is the last BIG-MISTAKE. Manipulation, however, goes beyond guilt-tripping and shaming so I felt it deserved more consideration. Ultimatums, tantrums, asking the same question over and over after your partner has responded hoping to get a different answer, force (even subtle force veiled as either-or options), deception and dishonesty are all forms of manipulation.
Someone once told me, “You cannot really say yes, if you cannot say no.” Not allowing a “no” no matter how subtle, is manipulation.
There are so many ways to manipulate, I simply cannot cover them all here, but shaming, guilting & other forms of manipulation close the door to connection and positive partnership. We do it when we have a hard time communicating what we want and need (maybe it was never safe for us to express our needs), when we are emotionally triggered, anxious, tired, or when otherwise challenged to share our desires, disappointments, and frustrations. We may resort to manipulation when positive, respectful, hard conversations were never successfully modelled for us. But it is possible to get our needs met without using guilt, shame or manipulation, and it is often those hard conversations that deepen our connections.
RESOLVING the B.I.G. M-istakes:
Notice, all the B.I.G. M-istakes are elements that most likely emerge during conflict within a relationship.
This can be small ‘c’ conflict where, for example, partners differ on a value, goal, decision, desire, interpretation, or perspective. Or deeper conflict where one feels hurt, disrespected, abandoned, undervalued, betrayed, or unimportant to their partner. It is a point in a partnership where there seems to be a chasm between the two, where there is a sense of diminished understanding, care, or commonality. There is a breakdown in connection.
I believe when relationships struggle it is ultimately because of a disruption in a sense of belonging and connection. How we work through conflict and other life challenges can either strain connection or fortify that connection. The B.I.G. M-istakes take us further from each other. If instead our goal is to be able to work through differences (which are inevitable in long-term relationships) and come out feeling closer or at least supported, heard, and respected, here are a few things we can do:
1. Reframe the situation as the two of you working together to solve a problem, rather than the two of you pitted against each other. Once you remove blame, invalidation, and manipulation, you can remove the barriers to connection and work together as a team trying to come up with a solution that is respectful of each other’s needs and perspectives, without having to be forced.
2. Listen and validate. Listen to understand, not to respond. Listening, really listening without also thinking about your side of the argument at the same time, is crucial to any effective communication. If we are listening to respond, chances are we will miss what our partner is really trying to say, or we will misunderstand. Listen then validate. Without validation of our partner’s experience and perspective, communication will not feel safe. Sharing feelings, needs, and fears puts our partner in a vulnerable position; they cannot do that without a safe holding space. Validation creates that safety and helps dismantle any defensive armor that can stand in the way of deeper communication and connection.
3. Start with defining the outcome you want, and then use that outcome to refocus your conversation when emotions run high. What are you hoping to have come out of the conversation? Is it to spend more time together? To create a better division of labor? To make the relationship better? To give someone feedback because you want them to succeed? Keep the goal foremost in your mind as a guidepost throughout the conversation; it can keep you focused on what will help versus what can hurt the conversation.
4. Recognize when your partner is willing to sit down and have an open and difficult conversation with you, it is an act of love. Being willing to invest yourself in a conversation that can be hard and uncomfortable shows a level of commitment and care. Appreciating the investment your partner is making can help you approach them, and the conversation, with less fear and more togetherness.
Listen, relationships are hard. For every single one of us. I think they are so hard because in the end connection is what we most crave and what human beings most need to thrive. Relationships, therefore, are the place we are most vulnerable. But the stuff that is the hardest and scariest is also often the most rewarding. Everything I have talked about in this blog are things we can control in terms of how we approach our own relationships; if we can minimize blame, pay attention to when we are being invalidating or using guilt or shame in our relationships to try to manipulate a situation to get what we need, and instead focus on listening, validating, and working as partners to address challenges together with the goal of deepening our connection, the hard is doable and can be so worth it.
Stay tuned for part two: “The relationships we C.R.A.V.E.”
References:
https://www.hope-wellness.com/blog/hard-relationship-conversations
Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner