Raised in Captivity

I have a friend who recently revealed to me she had been raised in captivity.

I was stunned. 

It was only about a decade ago, when she was in her thirties, that she realized she had been taken from her real home as an infant and raised in a community she could only describe as a small, isolated commune.  She had been under the belief that it was her true home until something in her pushed her to escape.  Only then did she discover the truth.

There were strict rules in this commune; Everyone had a specific role that was laid out for them based on age and gender, and there were strong values around what members should and should not eat, wear, and do. For example, sugar, even in the form of fruit, was taboo, as they believed consuming any sugar at all would pollute their bodies and minds.  Youth and purity were of highest value in this commune, especially where women were concerned; Young women held a place of prestige but as a woman aged, as her hair turned grey and she got wrinkles, she had to cover her hair and face in something akin to a burka.  There were also strong standards for weight: in a weekly ceremony, girls of the commune had ritualized weigh-ins, their weights were ranked against each other, and those who “failed” to meet the ideals were restricted in their food intake for the following week. 

It sounded like a prison, and I assumed my friend must have felt oppressed and unhappy there, but to my surprise she said had she thought she was happy.  While she lived there, and before she knew the truth, she had not experienced it as “punitive” or prison-like; there were just strong ideals of right and wrong that everyone seemed to accept and even buy into. 

What fascinates me further is my friend reported that members of this commune considered themselves free; they had the sense they were freely making choices about what to eat, how to dress, how to behave and what to do.  The saw the rules less like rules, and more like a way of life.  Those living in the community did not think of it as oppressive. 

Looking back, she could see that the reason people willingly complied with all the rules and restrictions was because they enjoyed the sense of love and belonging that came from being a “good” member of the commune.  The fear of losing that belonging outweighed any gain in “freedom” that could come from challenging those rules. They lived in the commune because they believed they wanted to. 

Further, given their isolation, community members had no exposure to the rest of the world and didn’t even know there was anything else or any other way to be.  The brilliance of the whole scheme was they did not understand their own captivity.

Here is the real twist.

That friend is me.

And, that friend is also you.

Don’t react.  Pause.  Take a minute to think about it.

We are born free, but as soon as we enter this world, we are thrust into a “culture” with a certain belief system, certain values and ideas of right and wrong, certain things we covet, as well as influences on how we dress, what we should look like, how, and what we should eat, and what we should do.  From infancy, we are indoctrinated into this culture by family, by friends, and by community.  We are teased, bullied, punished, or isolated for not fitting a certain “ideal.”  Or we are praised, admired, and given places of prestige when we do.  We are constantly compared to and measured against one another. What schools we go to, what jobs and positions we hold, how many likes we have.  In our “commune” we also have constant comparisons of body size and shape, and as we (especially women) age, we buy into the need to cover our greying hair with dye and mask our faces (and bodies) with makeup, lotions, filters, cosmetic procedures, and surgeries. 

But here is the kicker; We think we are free.  We think we are freely choosing to run ourselves to the bone in pursuit of the “we-are-only-as-good-as-how-productive-we-are” ideal.  And boy do we love to wear heels despite the fact they kill our feet because, damn, they look so good, and we simply wouldn’t feel dressed without them.  We worship money and celebrity, or people that have money and celebrity, even though neither money nor celebrity tell us anything about who the person is or whether they are good to their friends.  I’m making broad generalizations here, but you get the point.

Some of us are anti-culture, and we think that means we are free.  But we are simply reacting to culture and doing the opposite, which means we are still in some ways defined by the culture we are reacting to.

Perhaps some of you are simply thinking, “So what?” 

Maybe you are happy living within the “rules” of your culture, whether it’s your family culture, community culture, work culture, gym culture, or large “C” Culture. 

If that is the case, that’s ok.  But my challenge to you is to become clear on whether that is truly what you are choosing or is it what you are influenced to believe you want.  If you are unaware of the ways in which you are being influenced, you can never be sure you are living in alignment with your true nature; your true needs and wants. 

For the rest of us, we need to become aware we are living in captivity. 

Freeing ourselves, if we want to, requires an awareness and understanding of why we stay in captivity in the first place.  It is the same reason my fake friend and her community did; above all, they didn’t want to lose their place of belonging. Belonging is one of our most primal needs and deepest motivations.  However independent we like to think of ourselves, our survival (especially from an existential perspective) depends on others; the perpetuation of our species means we cannot survive in isolation.  As individuals we are biologically programed to seek connection and belonging.  As a social organism we reward, punish, and shame people into belonging to our community and we ostracize those who refuse to “fit in”.  Don’t believe me?  Watch children playing together.

So, we are in a cultural/societal prison, the good news is, it is a prison somewhat of our own making. 

Have you ever seen that cartoon depiction of a man in a prison that is open on both sides?  It is like that.  We are all born free, and freedom is our most natural state. We are imprisoned by the noise and distractions of the world we live in.  The way to get back to freedom, is by getting back to our true original home; ourselves. 

How do we do that?

There may be several paths, but one powerful way is to practice reconnecting with your emotions and staying present in your body.   In moments of silence, notice what you feel and notice the sensations in your body.  They are both signposts that signal to you whether or not things are ok.  When you are living against your true nature, when you betray who you really are and what you truly need, want, and believe, your body and your emotions will nudge you to let you know you are off track.  A general sense of anxiety, irritability, unhappiness underneath the busy, yearning, knots in your stomach, nausea, aches and pains, may all be warning you that you are in the wrong place. 

When you notice, and listen, something in you may tell you to escape…and return to your true home.