Lose Yourself to Find Yourself

There is no way around it, change is challenging, unsettling, and sometimes painful.

There are inevitable points in our life, however, where change may be the only way forward.

Sometimes change is forced on us.  Sometimes life hits hard; There is a sudden shift and the life we had is shattered to pieces.   We didn’t want the change, we didn’t ask for the change, but there it is.

Other times, we crave a change. We plan for it, long for it, are excited about it, but something in us holds us back and we find ourselves hesitating, not taking that final step into something new. 

Then, there are times we charge forward excitedly into change, but afterward, our process of adjustment takes us by surprise.  “This is what I wanted, isn’t it? So, why is it hard, why do I feel sad?” It is helpful here to remember the principal of BOTH THINGS CAN BE TRUE; We are complicated beings with complex minds, and two seemingly contradictory things can exist simultaneously.

Even when wanted, change can be hard.  This is because in order to change, in order to move forward, we must necessarily leave something behind.  Maybe it’s an old job, a place, or routine.  Maybe it’s people we have known a long time and feel connected to.  Maybe it’s just the fact of leaving behind the comfort of the familiar.  But I think one of the hardest things we must leave behind to change, is our old identity.   

WHO AM I WHEN THINGS CHANGE?

All change requires a shift in identity, in big ways or small, we lose parts of who we were.  Who we were no longer exists, never again, in quite the same way.

This concept seems clear when we think about shifting from one job to another.  Say we quit a job at Microsoft to join a non-profit that advocates for underrepresented youth in prisons, our identity, how we define ourselves, shifts from corporate executive to activist.  Well, a similar kind of shift in how we define and see ourselves, can accompany any kind of change. This is true when we leave the workforce to become a stay-at-home mom (or vice versa), when we become a parent, or lose a parent, when we move, when we experience a success or failure, get married, get a divorce, get diagnosed with an illness, retire, when our hair turns grey, or our body is no longer like it was when we were 20. 

Each shift in our lives requires a readjustment of our identity in relation to the world around us. The shift can be experienced as positive or negative, but even when we consider it a gain (for example, when we have a child), there is always an accompanied loss (we are no longer children).

Change and loss are intertwined, we cannot have one without the other, this is as true in actual terms as it is in terms of identity.  Unless we can accept and process the loss, we may remain stuck, hesitant, and unable to fully invest in our life ahead.

I AM ME, AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

A shift in self-identity can also be challenging because we like to think of ourselves as consistent beings.  We like to feel that at our core, there is an “I” (which includes our personality, our beliefs, and values) that endures over time.  It gives us the sense of solidity, of grounding, of predictability and control.

But it also comes with a cost.

Surprisingly, the need to have a sense of self that feels immutable is so strong we even hold on to definitions of ourselves that are limiting, e.g. I’m an introvert, I’m not good at math, I’m not a writer, I don’t like sushi, etcetera. Instead of fostering a mindset of flexibility, growth, and liberation, a fixed self-definition can become a self-made prison.  For change, especially if we want to move in a direction of positive change, we need fluid edges, we need to be able to expand our identities; Maybe I’m an introvert but that does not mean I cannot do extroverted things.  Maybe I’m not a writer, but I can learn to write. 

But fluid edges can feel threatening or unsettling.  Think about the times we end up doing things, or behaving in ways that fall outside of who we thought we were; times we do things we thought we would never do.  For example, if you think of yourself as a caring person who values always being there for people, but end up having to create boundaries and shut out a close member of your family that is in the throes of addiction, who are you then? Are you still kind and caring?

If we are invested in an immutable identity, it can be difficult to reconcile contradictions, even when both things are true, within ourselves. Experiences like these can shatter our brittle sense of self, or as psychologists would say, our ego.

LOSE YOURSELF TO KNOW YOURSELF.

Ok, so we get attached to an idea of an “I” that is enduring and consistent, as well as a vision of what that self is like.  We like to feel we know exactly who we are, what we want, what we are good at, and what we would or would not do.  When that sense of self is threatened or pressured to change, we can feel lost and shaken.  We can feel frightened and anxious, so we hold on tight.  However, that strong grip can make it very hard to discover what might be new about us, what might also be true about us, how we might grow, become more complex, and evolve. 

Sometimes change is desired, sometimes dreaded, regardless change is unnerving, but almost always, that point of pivot can offer a unique opportunity for expanding our sense of self, and becoming anew. 

Given the internal opposition to change, how do we do it?

The answer is in the problem; if an idea of who we are is holding us back, we must let it go to become who we are meant to be.  If the idea of what it means to be “kind and caring” does not allow us to create healthy boundaries for ourselves, we must let it go to protect our energy so we can evolve and maybe even do more for others.  Unless we are willing to risk our identity of being “successful” we may never swap out a corporate job to become an activist.  If we hold on with a death-grip to the idea of being “young” we may never open to the peace and joy and expansion that comes with age. 

It is hard to surrender parts of ourselves.  It is harder because we don’t know for sure who or what is going to be on the other side, and that can be frightening.  Who will we be after we are no longer who we were?  I do not have that answer for you, only you can create it. 

What I do know, is there are some things you will never lose:

The experiences you have had.

The knowledge and skills you have accumulated.

Your deepest values that can guide you.

And if you decide, your persistence.

I also know what you will gain:

Everything you are meant to be.