Resenting The Happy Wanderer
I learned an important lesson from Tony Soprano last week. If you’ve seen The Sopranos, this may sound questionable… but bear with me. Episode six of season two is called “The Happy Wanderer”. The scene that led me to this post takes place in a his therapist’s office. Tony shows up angry. He is angry at “everyone and everything”, he says, but even more angry at one particular type of individual.
“I see some guy walking down the street, you know, with a clear head. You know the type, he’s always…whistling like the… happy wanderer… Why should I [care] if a guy’s got a clear head? I should say ‘a salute, good for you’”.
Now, I left out a colorful part in the middle, but to summarize: Tony does not only resent the man with the clear head—he wishes him ill. Why? Because he has everything he could want, but still feels bogged down with worry, while the happy wanderer strolls by without a care in the world.
This scene made me reflect on how easy it can be to compare our struggles with those of others. It’s easy to look at the person next to you and think, “What do they know about hardship? They’ve never had a hard day in their life!”. I think we can boil this tendency down to two concerns. First, how can we be so sure? And second, what does this reaction say about our own hearts and minds?
While the first part may seem simple, it is worth pausing to unpack. There have been times in my life when, to be honest, I have resented my family or friends because they didn’t seem to be going through as much as I was. But in truth, none of us can compare our lives with others’ with any shred of certainty. No matter how close you are to someone, or how much they have shared with you, the same struggle affects different people in a million different ways. Short of stepping into their mind, you cannot know what a person is carrying or how heavy it is. We cannot make assumptions. It may be hard to hear, but your single friend is not inherently less overwhelmed with you because you are navigating a relationship. Your partner with a part-time job is not inherently less stressed than you are with your nine-to-five. Your life with children is not inherently more complicated than someone else’s without. For each statement, the reverse is true as well.
This brings us to the second part. If someone we know, or even a stranger, is experiencing a period of clear-headedness, or seem to be showered with good things, we should pay attention to the reaction it prompts in us. I’m not here to tell you to “just cheer up” when you are struggling or claim that you should always be happier for others than you are mourning for yourself. We are all far more complex than that. But if we find ourselves feeling resentful in these situations, we should not ignore that warning sign to look deeper within ourselves. There will be times in our lives when it stings to see someone happily whistling in the street. There will be times when we feel deeply alone in our struggles. Those things are natural. But withholding our assumptions and addressing our resentment—that is human.