When A Simple Apology… Isn’t

This month’s theme of forgiveness has had me thinking a lot about, well, forgiveness and apologies. Interestingly enough, though, the more I ruminate on these ideas, the less clarity I seem to have. So I thought that maybe we could think through it together.

It seems like it should be straightforward, right? A transgression of some sort occurs, the person responsible apologizes, then the other person forgives them (in a highly simplified and totally ideal circumstance, at least.).

But the reality is… at no point in any aspect of any relationship or circumstance to which I have been a participant or observer, has it ever truly been that straightforward. 

Now, I get it. We teach our kids from a very young age to apologize - to say the words “I’m sorry.” When they do something “wrong” or when their words or actions cause an undesirable reaction in someone else, if they hurt someone, or hurt someone’s feelings… if they don’t share the way they are expected to, if they say something unkind… they are told to say “I’m sorry,” and, especially with children, are generally taught that they response will or should be something along the lines of “It’s okay - all better!” Simple, direct correlation. Apology, forgiveness, move along.

But somewhere along the line, we realized that it is actually far more complicated than that at every single step of the process. That each step is complex and nuanced, and what we originally thought was a simple, direct, linear correlation is actually a multidimensional moving target of (im)possibility.

As our relationships deepen, we begin to understand that hurting someone, or hurting their feelings, or causing them dysregulation or discomfort… even that part is unclear. We begin to recognize, as our social relationships become more complex, that oftentimes the hurt we cause is unintentional. We have to begin to learn about and understand the intricate nuance between intention and impact. It can be confusing to realize that, while we might have pure, loving, and kind intentions with our words or actions, we can never fully understand the unique experiences and perceptions of those who are receiving those words or actions… and therefore can’t know if the impact will match the intention. And when intention and impact are misaligned, it can result in damage to the relationship.

This is only further complicated when we take it to the next step in our once-clear, once-direct path - the apology.

I don’t know about you, but I actually don’t really like the words “I’m sorry.” I have found over time that they seem to have lost their meaning. That is because, all too often, the words are just that - words. Delivered in an effort to move past an uncomfortable situation. The words, in and of themselves, are generic. Impersonal. Almost to the point of cliche.

I often tell my kids that I don’t even want them to say “I’m sorry” to me. That unless they can back up those words with recognition of the hurt that was caused and intentional effort to not repeat the action, that those words are mere performance. That unless the apology includes a real, true effort to modify the behavior, it becomes meaningless. 

And then we have what I used to think of as the final piece of this puzzle - forgiveness. We are led to believe, through this cycle we are taught, that forgiveness is for the person who apologized - the person who did or said the thing that caused the hurt in the first place. But I’ve even come to question this part of the equation. And just like every other piece of this puzzle, the more I examine it, the fuzzier it gets. 

Yes, accepting someone’s apology helps them to feel better - to alleviate their guilt, maybe to lay a new foundation for repairing the relationship. But for the most part, I’ve actually begun to realize that when I offer forgiveness to others, the person who most benefits… is me. 

Not that it can’t be mutually beneficial - in most situations, I’d argue that it is! But forgiveness, despite any turns of phrase, does not mean forgetfulness. It does not erase the events that occurred. And it does not mean that things will necessarily go back to the way they were prior to the occurrence. 

But forgiving is a way of lessening the power that that thing that happened has to control our lives. It allows the situation to be a lesson, an opportunity for growth, and a form of guidance in our future decision making and relationship building - both with the person involved and for all of our other current and future relationships. I can forgive someone and decide to pursue a more informed relationship with them, or I can forgive them so as not to carry the burden of their transgression into a future that does not include them.

So here’s the thing. We have to lay that foundation - we have to teach the words, the simplified version, so that we have a common understanding from which to start. We have to understand the practice of understanding that hurts happen, that we sometimes cause them. That we are not responsible for others’ reactions, but we do have a responsibility to ensure that the relationships that we value can grow through those hurts.

It’s not simple. It’s not direct. And maybe I have confused you as much as I have confused myself.

And if that’s the case, I’m sorry.