The Five Ways to Say, “I’m Sorry.”

 A heartfelt apology is an essential ingredient for the maintenance of any meaningful relationship. 

We are human, which means we have and will make mistakes.  We have and will (in the very least unintentionally) hurt others, and we have and will be hurt.  If we did not have the capacity to repair the damage caused by those hurts and mistakes, our bonds would fray.  Being able to apologize, and forgive, are therefore foundational for our connectedness to others.

While a casual “sorry” is something we (especially women) say and hear a lot, deep heartfelt apologies are harder, less frequent, and a skill many of us could work on to further develop.    

I’m not going to go into all the reasons why asking for and giving apologies can be hard.  As you can imagine, however, our histories with apologies or lack thereof, the shame or pain of seeing yourself and the hurt you have caused, the potential risk of opening yourself to rejection or condemnation if you are the one apologizing, or the lack of understanding, validation, resolution, or safety you might experience if your own bids for an apology fail, may understandably play a part. 

Apologizing and forgiving are perhaps the most vulnerable of relational experiences, but they are the only path to healing connection.

This blog will explore how to apologize well, specifically some of the reasons why when an apology is given, it might not be felt by the receiver.

How to Apologize:

Have you ever apologized to someone but feel it did not register?  Have you had an experience where a person you apologized to, seemed to need you to apologize over and over again?

Have you ever been apologized to and felt the apology was somehow lacking?  Perhaps it didn’t feel like a “real apology?” 

There are some good reasons for this disconnect. 

You might have heard of the concept of love languages introduced by Gary Chapman, which suggests there are five main ways of expressing and receiving love, and each of us has a primary way which resonates most with us.  The love languages include acts of service, spending quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch.  We each have a primary way in which we express and receive love, and these primary love languages vary from person to person.

Similar to love languages, Chapman and co-author Jennifer Thomas also write about the five apology languages.  The idea here is we each have a primary language for giving and receiving apologies. Chapman says, the question that looms in our minds around any apology is, “Is it sincere?”  We each carry different expectations and needs for certain expressed emotions, words, and behaviors to experience an apology as sincere.  What might feel like a sincere apology to one person, may not feel that way to another.  For an apology to land, we need to tailor it to the needs of the person we are apologizing to.  The apology is for them after all, not for us. 

To investigate what people are looking for in an apology, Chapman and Thomas asked around 90,000 people what they most wanted to hear in an apology, and what they expected someone who was apologizing to say or do.  The responses they received grouped into five categories, which they termed the five apology languages. 

Understanding these apology languages can help us appreciate why our efforts to apologize may sometimes fall flat, more easily recognize apology attempts from others, develop an awareness of what we need when receiving an apology, and provide language for communicating those needs to another.

The Five Apology Languages: 

Below is a quick summary of the Chapman-Thomas Apology Languages, along with some essential ingredients for each type of apology based on the work of psychologist, Dr. Harriet Lerner. 

Expressing Regret: This is saying, “I’m sorry.” 

For many people an expression of regret is key to a sincere apology.   A good expression of regret acknowledges the emotional pain, the hurt done to another and expresses a sense of guilt for having caused the pain.  In addition to the words, I’m sorry, being specific about what you feel sorry about and displaying body language to match the words fortifies the sense that the apology is sincere. 

An essential ingredient is keeping your sorry to your own actions, not the other person’s response.  So, “I’m sorry you felt hurt” is not an apology as it takes you and what you did out of the equation.  A heartfelt apology says, “I’m sorry I did X, and that my actions caused you pain.” 

“I’m sorry” is also not a sincere apology if said just to silence the other person, as a way of quickly moving on or ending the conversation.

Accepting Responsibility:  This is admitting you are wrong.  “I was wrong.” 

For some people if an apology does not include an acknowledgement that what they did was wrong, it may not feel like an apology. 

This is about accountability; accepting full responsibility without trying to excuse or justify, and without passing off the blame.  Accepting responsibility also means recognizing our agency in causing the hurt, and the most beautiful thing about that is we then have control over whether it happens again.  If we did it, we can fix it.

An essential ingredient here is no “but”.  According to Lerner this is the most common apology error.  To say “I’m sorry, but…” effectively nullifies an apology because what follows a but is usually a blame, criticism, justification or excuse. 

Another essential ingredient is to avoid getting caught up in weighing blame.  Here is the thing, most disruptions in relationships likely involve some responsibility on the part of each person involved.  If your goal is to repair, however, it is possible and most reparative to avoid getting caught up in who started it, whose more to blame, waiting for the other person to apologize first, and instead to just go ahead and apologize for your own contribution to the disruption, whether the other person sees their part.

Making Restitution: This is asking, “How can I make it right?”

It’s about making amends.  It’s about behavior and action.  As alluded to above, taking responsibility can be a first step in empowering an offender towards reparative action. 

For some who have been hurt, just a sorry or even an acceptance of responsibility does not feel enough for repair without some willingness of the offender to do something to make things right. 

An essential ingredient here, and in general for apologizing, is to not overdo it.  Restitution is about equalizing.  Responding by becoming overly apologetic in words or action or becoming paralyzed by remorse and pain for the wrongdoing, only works to hijack the pain and focus away from the hurt party to the decomposed offender.  

When someone is hurt, they need to be able to tell you and know you can accept it, take it in, and honor it by making amends without falling apart.  Becoming overly apologetic, overly embarrassed, self-effacing, or self-flagellating, puts the hurt party in the role of taking care of you instead of you taking up the mantle of restitution.   

Genuinely Repenting/Planned change:  Saying, “I want to change. I’ll take steps to prevent a recurrence.”

This is taking steps to avoid a repeat performance, making a real effort not to do it again.  Planned changed requires a verbalized intention to change, creating a plan for change, and actually implementing the plan.  It is important for both the offender and the offended to understand change happens over time and includes relapses, and that a key to successful change is admitting relapses and continuing to try again in sincere way.

Requesting forgiveness:   Saying, “Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

For some people, an apology does not feel complete if the offender does not actually ask for forgiveness.  A request for forgiveness may be heard as bid for the relationship to be repaired so if forgiveness is not explicitly requested, the apology may not seem like an actual apology.

This one is especially tricky though, because an essential ingredient here is a real apology cannot demand anything of the hurt party, not even forgiveness.  It is important to understand the line; this apology language is not about demanding forgiveness, it is not even about actually being forgiven, it is essentially about expressing a wish for forgiveness but with no demands or expectations.  

Asking for forgiveness may be the hardest one for people to do as it can feel the most vulnerable.  It puts the future of the relationship and the fate of the offender in the hands of the forgiver because the hurt party can say, “no” or say, “not yet”.  It means relinquishing control.   

This brings us to the final essential ingredient of an apology.  An apology is not about getting anything, even forgiveness, it is about giving. It is a gift we can give to those we have hurt by calming, comforting, and validating their pain.  An apology is also the beginning of a conversation, not the end.  It begins the repair process, creating room for healing, and a way forward.  It does not automatically rebuild trust, but it allows the possibility of trust being rebuilt. Overall, it is essential to healing and maintaining our most precious connections. 

THE BIG QUESTION: SO, HOW DO WE DISCOVER AN APOLOGY LANGUAGE?

To discover someone’s language of apology, you might ask them, “What do you need for me to do or say to help you feel how sorry I am?”  To understand our own apology language, we can ask of ourselves, “When someone apologizes to me, what am I hoping/expecting the person to do or say?”

Alternatively, Chapman offers a quick and free apology language quiz for either singles or couples to assess their apology language.  You can access it here.

Summary:

Knowing the five languages of apology can enhance our ability to both give and receive apologies.  Understanding our own needs and expectations when it comes to apologies, and recognizing the language that feels primary to the person we are apologizing to, can facilitate repair and the rebuilding of broken connections. Ultimately, however, even if an apology does not end in forgiveness, or fix a relationship, it feels good to know that even though we are human and will make mistakes, we always have an opportunity to at least say, “I’m sorry.”