Spoken For: A Reflection
I recently came across a piece of art that contained the following phrase, in the middle of a heart:
“I’m not that way anymore”.
Those six simple words moved me more than I expected. I paused to think about how different my interactions could look if I gave myself permission to use this phrase regularly. Let me explain:
This past weekend I spent a day with a group of relatively new acquaintances. I expected the “usual” feelings to accompany this—anxiety, fear of being awkward, fear of being paid attention to—these I am used to. But as I settled in, a less familiar feeling surfaced. That feeling was the relief of anonymity. I showed up looking put together and no one feigned shock that I “put in effort”. I was included in conversations without the labels of being the “quiet” or “antisocial” one attached to me. It struck me as odd at first, but then I thought, “Of course! These people have not known me long enough to take me at anything other than face value. They would perceive me based on the way that I presented myself, because they had no other experience to draw from.
That felt freeing.
Have you ever been spoken for, right in front of yourself, by someone close to you? It has been a constant occurrence in my life, due in large part to the fact that I tend to do more listening than talking in group settings. I am beyond grateful to have a solid group of loved ones who know me on a deep level. At the same time, I have become increasingly aware that a certain level of closeness can blind one to the growth of even those they care for most. Recently I was chatting with a friend about clothes. Upon showing them something I liked they said, “Well it’s nice, but...you’d never wear that”. I was taken aback, but just kind of shrugged it off and moved on. I have become quite good at shrugging things off, but I am beginning to see that that is not a “skill” to be bragged about. What if, instead, I started correcting people? What if I had the guts to say, “I’m not that way anymore”? What a powerful phrase this could be.
“Actually, my tastes have changed”.
“It may not seem typical for me, but that is something I would enjoy”.
“That is no longer my belief”.
“Actually, I’ve grown since then”.
Speaking up in this way is not as small a matter as it may seem. It will affect your sense of agency and relationship with yourself, as well as your relationships with others. If you tend not to correct or address these things, I want you to take a moment to think about why. I’ve come to the realization that for me, it has become a defense mechanism against closeness. I fear letting people in too much. So, if I don’t correct preconceived notions or assumptions, I can say, “Good, there is still a piece of me held close to my chest. They can keep their opinion of me, and I can keep the knowledge that they don’t have me figured out”. Yeah...that doesn’t sound great. And it isn’t! As someone who is both easily suffocated by closeness and strongly in need of feeling seen, I can’t help but notice that this attitude has worn on my friendships. Not standing up for myself, even in the simplest way, has bred resentment that I am wholly responsible for. It is unkind and unfair, to yourself and others, to resent someone for not knowing something that you did not bother to tell them.
And so, I have finally decided to stop bottling up frustrations of feeling unseen and unheard. I have decided to have the courage to deepen my relationships by not staying quiet. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll peel back my layers a little bit more with those I trust. You see, I am simply not that way anymore. Now you know, and now we can grow together.
*Inspired by art by Matt Darling (@midnite_tremors)