Difficult Questions
There are a lot of difficult questions that we have to contend with in this life.
Where to live. What to study. What sort of career we want. What role we want faith to play in our lives. How to raise our families. What family even means to us.
These and more are the big questions. The capital Q Questions that we deal with, consider and struggle with.
But that doesn’t mean that the big Q Questions are the only difficult ones that we face.
Sometimes it is the little q questions - those throwaway questions we hear and ask every day - that are actually the most difficult of all.
In fact, the hardest question, at least for me, is the one we tend to ask most often.
How are you?
Because here’s the thing. I have found that the majority of people who ask each other “how are you?” aren’t actually looking for an answer. It is just part of some script we were all handed about how to initiate a social interaction, or how to fill a silence. “How are you?” with the expected response as some variation of “I’m good, how are you?” It’s actually so ingrained in us that I can’t imagine that I’m the only one who’s ever tripped up and found themself in a loop, accidentally adding the “and you?” part even when I was the one who started the line of questioning. No? Just me? Moving on…
Recently, I had the most honest - and possibly briefest - conversation with a friend. “How are you?” I asked. “I don’t know. You?” was the response. And my reply? “Ditto.”
We broke the mold - we didn’t follow the script. And in doing so, we had a moment that was actually real. And honest. And while it didn’t say anything about the specifics of our moods, feelings, activities or days, it communicated everything that was needed in the moment.
So why, if the question is so prevalent and so expected, is it so difficult?
I think it’s because there is no answer that is both truthful and easy. And the way this question is usually asked, in such a simple, off-handed way, it seems off-putting to not be able to respond in a similar fashion.
Because the truth is, at any given time, I am both fine and not at all okay. I am doing really well and also struggling. I am both busy and bored, happy and sad. In short, I am experiencing the human condition and learning as I go… which I cannot merely explain to you in a pat response to something that feels like it should be a simple question.
Further complicating this question is the fact that, in today's hectic world of hyper-productivity, we are not actually taught to know ourselves. To listen to ourselves. To understand ourselves. Feelings are shoved aside at best, demonized at worst. Thinking about how we are feeling is often characterized as selfish, indulgent or even at times immature. I mean, how can a mature, productive member of grind-culture waste a moment contemplating something as unproductive as a feeling? Not in this economy!
But I want you to know that if I ask you this question, that I actually want to hear the answer. Whatever answer feels real to you in that moment.
So I know it might be difficult to allow yourself to consider, but tell me…
How are you?