The Reality of our Reality

We believe our memories are representations of fact, but in fact, the accuracy of our recollections can be as low as 50-70%, particularly for complex or emotionally charged situations.

This can lead to a lot of disagreement and conflict within relationships.

Recently, I’ve heard my mother describe events of our past that seem so incongruent with my version of what happened. I’ve also heard my daughter recount events that made me wonder, “Wait, is she talking about the same thing?”  In her story, her grandma did something, when in my story it was me who did it. 

This disconnect happens all the time.

It can happen when you talk to two people about something that occurred between them 15 years ago, or 15 minutes ago; their recounting of an event can be so different it will feel like two completely different experiences.

Why is our memory so susceptible to distortion?

It is because we are human, and by that I mean, we are emotion- and narrative-driven beings and much of our processing of situations occurs at a level that is outside of our immediate awareness. 

To recount a memory, it needs to be encoded (which involves interpretation), stored, and later retrieved.  Each of these processes are susceptible to multiple factors that can cause distortions of recall. 

Stored memories can fade or change with the passage of time, but I am particularly fascinated with the distortions that occur during encoding and the retrieval of memories.

For example, at the point of encoding, our memories are highly influenced by our physiological state, such as our level of stress and emotionality, as well as subconscious factors including our personal narratives and even cognitive bias. 

As I write the words “subconscious” and “bias” I know some of you will want to stop reading, or believe, “Other people may be influenced by their subconscious or bias, but I am self-aware so none of that applies to me.” 

Bias is such a negatively charged word, but it applies to us all, even me, because neurobiologically, the way our brains function is ultimately…human. 

Estimates suggest our brains take in around 11 million bits of information per second from all our senses combined, but we cannot possibly process all of it.  Typically, we can only be aware of 40 bits of information at any given moment. To build efficiency our brains need to be selective in the information it focuses on.  Which means, even in the very first stage of creating a memory, we will absolutely miss a lot as we only work with a tiny portion of the information available.

When a situation is emotionally charged, our brain thinks it is under attack and goes into survival mode.  In this state of stress, the neurobiological processes that get triggered mean our attention narrows even further, prioritizing information that is perceived as threatening or important to our survival, and we end up missing a lot of the broader context and details of the situation. 

Even when a situation is not as emotionally charged, what we (unconsciously) decide to pay attention to and how we interpret the information we are receiving is based on personal history, expectations, and the stories we tell ourselves.  Basically, what gets encoded goes through a filtering and then interpretation sequence prior to being stored.

Ever have that experience of shopping for a car when you have decided you want a red car, then suddenly you start to see red cars everywhere?  That is a kind of attentional bias.  If we think someone is kind, we will notice their generosity.  When we think someone is unreliable, we will notice their unreliability. When we don’t realize we are selectively attending to information that confirms our beliefs, we just assume we were right all along.

There is attention, but also interpretation.  Since our brain is constantly striving for efficiency, it builds short-cuts for processing the massive amounts of information it is bombarded with.  Creating internal representations of the world, or cognitive schemas, for interpreting information is a tool for efficiency.  The first time you are driving to a new job and are unsure of the directions, you might feel stressed, and your is attention heightened and focused.  Over time, your brain creates an internal map of the drive, and before you know it, you can get there without consciously thinking about it.  This frees up your brain to think about other things, like your to-do list, or discussion points for a meeting you are about to have. Efficiency.

Let’s take this idea into more complex situations.  We learn how to think about the world based on our own experiential histories as well as messaging we receive from our familial, cultural, and social contexts.  Our brains work to reconcile various bits of information into a coherent story so we can make meaning from our experiences and use it to predict, plan, and prepare for whatever comes our way. Narratives, therefore, are borne from meaning-making processes of our meaning-making brains. 

We have stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, others, life, relationships…everything.  These stories become our internal navigation systems, our map for interpreting, and then encoding, the events in our lives.  If we believe we are unworthy, we might interpret and remember other people’s actions towards us as dismissive.  If we expect women to be demure, we may interpret and remember a confident woman’s actions as being loud or rude.  You can start to see how narratives might lead to distortions and bias in the encoding process.

Narratives influence our encoding, but also the retrieval of memories.  Recalling memories is not simply an act of taking what’s stored in our brain and recounting it. Recall is a reconstructive process; we take what’s in our brain and reinterpret it based on current beliefs and feelings.   It is like a second round of distortion.  Think about someone you had a horrible break up with.  When you recall your relationship, aren’t your memories predominantly negative?  But I bet you didn’t feel that way when you were falling in love.

I imagine the whole idea of distorted memories and bias is uncomfortable.  Bias is a term that has so much shame around it, we have a hard time looking at it.  We like to think of ourselves as truthful and fair, as good, rational people.  We want to feel like we can rely on the accuracy of our memories which help to make life more coherent, predictable and controllable.  We don’t like the grey, in life, or within ourselves.

What if, however, we are good people, who are essentially truthful and fair, who do the best we can, and yet we are also subject to bias and distortion? 

What if we are…human?

What I hope to evoke is a sense that bias and the fallibility of our recall is simply a natural outcome of how our brains process information.  It’s human, and we are all prone. So, what if we just took the shame out of it?

What if we took the whole discussion out of the realm of black and white and opened ourselves to the grey?  What if instead of who is right and who is wrong, instead of holding on to our own stories as fact, instead of shame or blame, we became more curious about ourselves and others?

What if we asked questions like:

What might be influencing my interpretation or memory of an event?

What might lead someone else to recall the event differently? 

Is there a different way I can think about the situation?

Is there another possible interpretation?

Given their circumstances and history, how might the other person have felt and thought?

What am I not willing to face within myself?  What am I not willing to see?

While our memories might be subject to distortion, it does not mean everything we remember is false. Our general sense of our personal histories can be quite strong, and emotionally significant events, like weddings, or the birth of our children, can be remembered with a high level of detail and accuracy. The point is the accuracy of our memories vary and depend on a variety of factors.

Problems arise when we think of our own interpretation of a situation as absolute, and our own recollection as the correct one.  Such certainty can create a non-traversable divide between people who hold different interpretations and recollections of a situation.  It creates separation, an intractable polarization. 

Human brains are wondrous marvels.   If we sit back and think about it, they are nothing short of miraculous.  However, built for survival, our brains can sometimes steer us away from the things we really want and need to thrive.  Connection to others tops that list.

So, the next time we find ourselves across a divide, at odds with one another, be it someone we have a whole history with, or someone we have just met, perhaps we can consider that our sense of reality may not be the real one, or the only one.  And perhaps with curiosity we can meet each other in the grey.

What might that be like?