Boundaries Bring Us Together

As we continue our exploration of unity, I want to take a moment to look at one of the less intuitive aspects of relationship building. 

Throughout this month, we have come to define unity as being about bringing people together, particularly across barriers, and forging relationships with others. These relationships exist on all levels - from individuals to groups to entire communities. Unity, as we are coming to understand it, involves coming together with authenticity and openness.

There are several keys to a successful relationship. Again, we are talking on all levels here - family, romantic, friendship, coworkers, community members - they all have common aspects that can help to predict and even guide success.  Communication. Mutual respect (for a cause or task, for each other, or for a specific purpose). Trust. Self awareness. And boundaries.

Wait a minute.

We’re talking about bringing people together.  Aren’t boundaries intended to divide? 

Well, yes.

But also… no.

A boundary is an indication of a limit. In the world of sports, boundaries indicate the agreed upon playing field or area. Geographically speaking, boundaries delineate property or areas of governance. And when it comes to interpersonal relationships, boundaries serve as guidelines that help maintain healthy proximity and distance between people.

Hold on. Here we are again, talking about distance within relationships when our overarching topic here is unity. What gives?

All relationships take place between individuals. Sometimes just two, sometimes groups, sometimes entire communities. But all of these relationships are made up of individuals. And every individual has their own individual needs, preferences, comfort levels and desires. Even in the closest of relationships, the goal is not to become the same person. 

Boundaries help people define and maintain their individuality within relationships. Setting and maintaining boundaries is a difficult but very necessary skill. Without boundaries, there is an increased likelihood of power struggles, pain and conflict. 

Interpersonal boundaries benefit both sides within a relationship. They help to establish clear expectations of acceptable treatment and behavior, and lay a baseline for respect, another of those necessary foundations of any healthy relationship.  Boundaries provide rules or guidelines that people can create in order to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to behave towards them and even help to manage expectations as to how each will respond if or when someone surpasses those limits.

Boundaries can look different in different situations and in different types of relationships, and also can be established for different areas. The same person may (and should!) have a different set of boundaries with, say, their spouse and their coworkers. Grown children often need to create and communicate boundaries with their parents as the parent/child relationship takes on a new direction. Boundaries could pertain to physical space, emotional needs, mental space, religious discussions or any other area, and can be very individual to the person or relationship to which those boundaries pertain.

So what do boundaries look like? Again, they will look different for each individual and each relationship. But some examples of healthy boundaries in different situations can look like:

• Limiting certain topics of conversation (ie: triggering topics) among a peer group

• Turning off your cell phone at a certain time or making a rule about cell phone usage at specific times of day (ie: no cell phones at family dinner)

• Stopping responding to work e-mails at a certain time (healthy separation of work and home life)

• Saying no when you are at your physical or mental capacity limit

• Designating a set time at which to leave a social function (to help mitigate overwhelm)

The thing to remember, though, is that boundaries are established and maintained not to pull people apart, rather to protect the relationship as it grows. Understanding the likes, dislikes and comfort levels of those with whom we interact is an essential element in creating trust, mutual respect and lasting bonds. 

The benefit of clear boundaries is that they help to maintain an equal balance of power between parties within the relationship. When boundaries do not exist, or, even worse, when they are ignored, it creates resentment and negativity, and leaves room for an individual or group to be taken advantage of, manipulated or even put into positions of discomfort or danger.

We can understand, then, how healthy boundaries are a form of both self care and community care. But that doesn’t make them any easier to create, communicate or enforce. Oftentimes, we fear rejection for setting personal boundaries - we have an innate need to be liked and accepted, and we have been trained that we need to say “yes” to everyone - pretty much all the time! - in order for that to happen. 

What we have to remember, though, is that healthy boundaries benefit everyone. By helping others to understand the acceptable (and often completely reasonable!) limits to your mental, emotional and physical time, space and capacity, you are helping them to understand the best way to love you. The best way to interact with you. The best way to bring out the best in you. 

So how do we do it? How do we even know where our limits are, much less communicate them to others? Especially as highly empathetic people?

For starters, tune in to the messages your body is sending you. When someone brings up a conversation topic you do not feel comfortable discussing, you can feel it in your body. This is a signal that this might be an area that would benefit from a boundary. A simple “I am not comfortable discussing that at the moment,” and redirection of the conversation should be both enough and respected.

Learn about your own priorities. What matters most to you? And this can be situational. What are your priorities at work? At home? With family? With friends? And how can you best protect the time that you have in each of those situations or within each of those environments? Your time and energy are precious and valuable, and are also limited resources. You cannot say yes to everything - so remember to prioritize what is most important in each situation. Saying “no” to what doesn’t align with your priorities is a way of saying “yes” to what does.

Don’t fear the hard conversations. If your friend, spouse, parent or co-worker does not know that what they did, said or expected of your made you uncomfortable, then they will not know that there is a boundary there. Communicate clearly and respectfully so that the boundary can be (re)established and the relationship can be protected.

Finally, remember that boundaries can change over time as relationships grow and change. And this is not a bad thing! Some boundaries may be rigid, some more flexible, some implicit and some explicit. Respect both your own boundaries and those of others and you will watch your relationships flourish.

So let me sum up with one of my favorite quotes that truly sparked my understanding of boundaries:

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously

-Prentis Hemphill

While boundaries seemingly imply distance, they are truly a vital component for building stronger and healthier relationships and communities. They allow us to bring our full selves safely into each interaction, which is truly the goal in creating unity!

So tell us, Vibe Tribe, how have you learned to establish boundaries, and how has it helped your relationships?  Let’s create a safe space for all of us in this community!