Can We Just Begin Again?
“No matter how hard the past is, you can always begin again.” – Jack Kornfield
In life, it can take courage and resilience to begin again.
Often, a simple example can give us insight into a more complicated one. In this case, we can learn a lot about how to start over through a fundamental practice in meditation.
In an early mindfulness practice, the goal is often to focus on something like the breath in order to keep your mind from being lost in thought. However, if you are a beginning meditator, you will often “wake up” to find yourself lost in thought after every few breaths. A key part of the practice is the moment we recognize we are lost in thought, we can refocus on our breathing, get back to the present moment, and begin again. According to Joseph Goldstein, Meditation Teacher, and co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society:
“The three most important words in mindfulness meditation are simply begin again.”
According to Sharon Salzberg, another master teacher:
“The most important moment in that practice happens after you’ve been gone: after you’ve been distracted, after you’ve fallen asleep, after you’ve just connected. Because it’s really a practice of recovery—how do we let go, and how do we start again?”
She adds,
“The healing is in the return, not in never having wandered to begin with.”
It is a practice of resilience.
Doesn’t that say so much about life?
WHAT DOES THE MEDITATION PRACTICE OF “BEGIN AGAIN” TEACH US?
Release Ourselves From the Idea of a Conventional Timeline:
In life, for some reason, we tend to expect perfection. We think if a journey is not a straight line, then we must be doing something wrong; some of us even go as far as believing it may be the universe’s way of telling us we were not meant to pursue that path in the first place. None of this is true. The first step in creating resilience to begin again, is to release ourselves from the idea of a conventional journey or conventional timeline.
In America we are obsessed with timelines, maybe because we are obsessed with age (and maybe this comes from our fear of death – literal or symbolic – but I will leave that for another blog). As a culture, we have lost our reverence for age. But I am telling you, on the whole, I am so much stronger in my 50s than I ever was at any point earlier in my life. I embarked on a new business venture and shifted both my personal and professional focus to wellness when I was 49. I am healthier at 52 than I ever was in my 20s or 30s, and not just physically; I have only just learned how to have a kinder more positive relationship with myself (and as a result with those around me). But the most amazing thing is, I realize everything I did before, my educational degrees, becoming a dance fitness instructor, forcing myself to speak in front of people, my own personal life journey…all of it was preparing me for this chapter of my life. My journey has been a meandering path that is finding its way to a center. After the wandering,“The healing is in the return."
A 4 year degree attained after 7 years is still a degree. A graduation at 50 is still a graduation. A business started at 65 is still a business. You are never too old to have a new dream… It’s okay to start over. Don’t let people confine you with their timelines of success. — Brigette Hyacinth
Many extremely successful people began their iconic careers late in life. Laura Ingalls Wilder first published her Little House on the Prairie books in 1932 when she was 65! Before publishing Mastering the Art of French Cooking at 49, Julia Child took a cooking class at Le Cordon Bleu, and was deemed “unqualified” to move into the haute cuisine course. Imagine if she just stopped cooking then. Anna Mary Moses, better known as folk artist Grandma Moses, began painting at the age of 77 as a hobby “to keep busy and out of mischief.” By the time she died at the age of 101, her pieces sold for $10,000.
Here is another important lesson: you don’t have to wait for Jan 1, or next week, or some future point to begin again. You don’t have to wait for the perfect time or perfect conditions, because again, perfection is a myth and the only condition that ever exists is the one you have now. Just as in meditation, as soon as you become aware of floating away from your center, or from the life you want, stop, notice, recalibrate and begin again, and do it NOW.
In truth, the only thing that is real is the present moment. “Now” is all we have and all we can ever have. You decide how you want to use it.
“Right here, right now is the point of power. You can only live, choose, act, and change in this present moment. This choice, this action, this step in this moment is the way you free yourself from the story of your past and transform your future.” – Eddleman (2019)
WHAT GETS IN THE WAY?
The Idea of Starting From Scratch:
Starting over may feel like starting again from scratch, but when you decide to make a change in your life, you will never really be starting from zero; you will just be beginning again, but all of the work, growth, insight, and wisdom you gained from before, will be there to inform you. You’ll be beginning again stronger, smarter, and more powerful than before. Each time you start again is another point of practice.
You didn’t stay consistent with your goal? Start again. You fell back into old patterns and old temptations? Give yourself grace and remind yourself you can just begin again. No shame. The crucial thing is to not give up. If you start again 10,000 times you’ll be practicing letting go and starting again 10,000 times. You will build resilience and each time you will get better. It becomes easier to go through this process when you shift your mindset a bit:
“It’s never been about being perfect. It’s always been about being and becoming. And one of the greatest tools we have on our journey of being and becoming is our personal reset button.” Stephanie Eddleman (professor)
Becoming is the critical word, because it tells you it is a process. In so many things in life you do not get to see the rewards of your efforts until later. From my observations in life, there seems to be a tipping point. Initially each measure of growth requires a huge investment of work and energy, it can seem like you are not going anywhere, not moving forward. But you are, you are learning. The more open and present you remain, the more you will learn and grow. One day you will look back and realize you are there.
Holding on to the past or worrying about the future:
But here is the other challenge: to begin again you need to let go of the past. And the future.
In meditation practice if you continue to ruminate about the fact that you failed, you will not be able to direct your full attention to what you are trying to do. The same is true if you let your mind be taken over by worries of the future (What if I don’t succeed? What if my mind never stops wandering?). The only thing that is going to matter (in meditation and in life) is the only thing you have control over; staying as present as possible and putting all your energy, focus, and motivation into what is directly in front of you. Showing up fully.
According to a Harvard study we spend 50% of our time in our heads, getting lost in our thoughts. This disconnects us from what is happening in the present; from the experiences and the people around us, as well as from our own feelings because we are not essentially living in our bodies. Sometimes, we actually keep our heads dizzied with thoughts to avoid feeling the negative feelings such as fears, insecurities, loss, and hurt in our bodies. But keeping our heads full, does not allow us to be present enough to respond fully or appropriately to our lives. Plus, it doesn’t just keep out the negative, it also keeps us from the positive feelings that are available for us to experience.
So, we need to get into the present, and live from there. To do that we need to not just tolerate, but to embrace, negative feelings.
When making a big life or career change. Don’t let fear stop you. And don’t let doubts stop you. Expect doubts, then they won’t topple you. Don’t let insecurities and lack of answers stop you either. You won’t always know the steps you will need to take but if you keep trying you will figure it out.
Tara Brach tells a story of her friend who took care a lot of elderly people at the end stages of their lives. She said the one regret so many of them had was that they “did not live true to themselves.” They did what society told them was right, kept themselves constricted within a box for fear of what would happen should they step out, or because they worried about failure, judgement, or isolation. Other people have power over us because ultimately, we don’t want to be abandoned. We don’t want to be alone. We need people. We need to belong. It is such a powerful force that often we cannot even hear what we want, we think we want what we are told we should want. However, when faced with our last days…what will matter?
Letting Go of your past mistakes, and your past identity:
Finally, don’t let past mistakes stop you.
Your past does not have to decide your future.
No matter how you messed up in the past, you can always begin again. This is true whether you are talking about small changes of habit, or bigger ones, a change in career path, a second attempt after a failure, a third attempt, or various other significant life changes. Of course, it can be challenging and hard AF but it is absolutely possible. However, it will be much harder if you drag your past mistakes, shackled to your ankles, along with you. You have to learn from them, but then you have to let them go.
Take what you have learned from the past, but it is important to not let it define you. To do that you must let go of the old stories you tell yourself; these mental stories of who you are, what you are capable of or not, the “type” of person you are, or narratives about your self-worth. All of this will keep you stuck. Anger, resentment at yourself, at others, or at life itself, keep you stuck. If you have made mistakes (welcome to humanity), while it is not helpful to excuse or minimize them, once you have faced them, you must be able to move toward a future you. Some may see moving on as lack of accountability, but it doesn’t have to be. According to Jack Kornfield:
“We may resolve to never again permit such harm to come to ourselves or another. And at the same time, we can also resolve to release the past and not carry bitterness and hate in our heart.”
Here is the thing, you cannot move into the present without releasing your past, and you can only loosen the hold a difficult past has on you, through self-compassion. Your old stories keep you imprisoned and destined to repeat your past, but self-compassion has the power of releasing those binds, giving you more freedom and space to grow and change. To more deeply explore the power of self-compassion, you can listen to our latest podcast on the topic here .
According to Luke Balslov (2021), letting go of the past can look something like this:
Take a few deep breaths to clear your mind and bring your attention into the present. Breathe long enough to feel a sense of stability.
Allow whatever thoughts to arise, especially negative ones, and just notice them.
Note the thoughts that make you mad or resentful towards yourself and others, or those that fill you with shame.
You can use the Practice of R.A.I.N (recognize, allow, investigate and nurture) to help you let go of those negative emotions (our podcast also expands on the practice of R.A.I.N, or look for Tara Brach’s work):Recognize:
Name what you are feeling
Allow that feeling to just be, you can say, “[insert feeling] you belong”
Investigate: go deeper by asking “what am I feeling in my body?” or “what am I not willing to feel”
Nurture: ask yourself what do you need to feel ok?
5. Understand that it is all in the past, a place you can’t change. Let them all go and begin again.
Once you allow your past to remain in your past, envision who you want to be, really envision it. Make it your new identity.
Finally, I just want to end with this: one thing that has been particularly hard for me to let go of is the past I would have wanted. Today I came across this anonymous quote that helped,
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”
We cannot change the past. It is not in our control. But we can release the hold it has on us. We can start now, and simply begin again.
REFERENCES:
Balslov, Luke. (January, 2021). The Power of Begin Again. Exploring Kodawari. https://exploringkodawari.blog/the-power-of-begin-again/
Eddleman, Stephanie (August 2019). The Point of Power. https://www.stephaniemeddleman.com/2019/08/10/the-point-of-power/
Eddleman, Stephanie (Jan 2020). Just Begin Again: The Power of Your Personal Rest Button. The We Spot. https://thewespot.com/just-begin-again-the-power-of-your-personal-reset-button/
Salzberg, Sharon (February 2019). Meditation is About Recovering and Starting Again. Mindful: Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. https://www.mindful.org/meditation-is-about-recovering-and-starting-again/