The Art of Saying No
Saying no to requests made of us is hard. It makes us feel like a bad person. Many of us hate to disappoint others. We worry they won’t like us or will believe us to be rude or mean. As social beings, we fear that rejection. We want to preserve our relationships and we want to continue to belong.
It also feels aggressive and rejecting of the other to say no. “No” can make us feel selfish or uncaring. And we certainly do not want to seem difficult, so we choose instead to go along. In work situations, we may fear saying no will be seen as incompetence. All of this goes against how we want to see ourselves.
For me personally, if I am being honest, saying no is hard because when someone asks me specifically to do something, I feel I matter; I feel like I have something to offer that another finds valuable. My fear then is losing a person’s interest in me, or no longer mattering to them if I say no.
For all these reasons and perhaps many more, “no” is an uncomfortable two-letter word; so, instead we give in to saying yes.
Time and energy, however, are limited resources. It is impossible to say yes to everything and not have it impact our overall quality of life and work. Every time you say yes to something, you are saying no to other things, either that or you are increasing stress and compromising everything. In fact, according to Dr. Nicole Washington, “Saying no is one of the best forms of self-care we can engage in.” It allows us space to rest and recharge, and it allows us to focus on doing things that align more deeply with our values, goals, as well as what fills our soul.
Many of us including myself, as we get older, we get better at saying no.
Why is that?
Speculating from my own experience, one reason may be that we become more aware of the limited nature of time and become more precious about it. In addition, we have less energy available to give away to things that do not further our lives. I think there comes a point where time and energy become more important to us perhaps than seeking approval or avoiding rejection. Perhaps with time we also become more accepting and secure with who we are, and with that we become more secure about our choice to say no.
What if we could build these skills earlier in our lives?
No Begins With You.
I do believe the first step to saying no well, is believing in it; believing it is a valid choice, and believing you deserve that choice. Societal pressures often work against us here, and certain people are masters of exploiting our tendency to feel bad or inadequate when we want to say no but protecting ourselves against those pressures is crucial to being able to truly manifest the life we want. If you don’t believe in yourself, you cannot believe in your no. Building that self-belief is a whole other blog (e.g. the The Insidious Pandemic... Unworthiness) or podcast (e.g. Self-Compassion) but it is an important part of being able to say no effectively. One thing I would offer here, is to think about what it will cost you if you say yes. Some yeses move your life toward the positive, but some may take too much from you. Think through what it will cost you to say yes to something and use that to decide. Knowing your priorities, your goals, values, and wants can embolden you and make this process clearer. If you need more, Warren Buffet said:
"The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything."
Aside from building the internal assurance and strength to say no, there are external skills we can develop to say no effectively.
Be Clear, Be Firm, Avoid Hesitation.
According to Tartakovsky, “No, can be a complete sentence.” A wishy-washy hesitant no can confuse the other person and they may keep pushing. “I would love to, but I can’t right now,” for example invites the person asking to ask again. Know you do not need a reason to say no if something does not feel right for you, is too much to take on, does not align with your current needs and values, or is simply something you do not want to do, but If you feel the need to explain, the less you say in terms of an explanation the better, otherwise people will try to find holes in your explanation. Having a long, protracted discussion about why you cannot do somethings creates far more risk of damage to a relationship than a clear, clean, respectful no. Be clear enough so nobody is left wondering what you are trying to say, and everyone can move forward.
Good examples are: “Unfortunately, I’ll need to pass on this.” “Sadly, I am not able to.”
If someone cannot accept your no and continues to push, then you know that person is not respecting your needs. Stand firm, and don't feel compelled to give in just because the situation is uncomfortable. The discomfort will fade with time, and you will have the balance in life that you wanted and created.
Be Honest, Be Unapologetic, Avoid making up excuses.
Sometimes we do not think it is enough to not want to do something. We feel we need to have a scheduling conflict, or other “real” reason we cannot do something when asked.
(As an aside: I often hear people say they don’t want to extend an invitation to someone because they are worried it will make the other feel “obligated” to come. They choose instead to leave that person out and take the option for that individual to participate off the table completely by not inviting them. I’ve never really understood that. If we create a culture where people can feel free to say no, to make the choice that is right for them without taking no as a rejection of ourselves, then we could freely include and invite people we would like to include.)
Excuses smell. When we make up excuses for why we cannot do something, people can intuitively sense them. It will either cause a person to challenge you, or disrespect you. Further, when you make up an excuse you disrespect the other, but you also disrespect yourself. Having a choice to protect your time and spend it on things that move you toward your values and goals is a privilege not everyone gets. Honor that privilege, respect your time and choices, don’t apologize for them, and most reasonable people will respect them too.
Be Courteous, Be Grateful.
Being assertive does not require being rude. You might say, "I'm sorry I can't right now but will let you know when and if I can." This approach is polite, leaves the door open (IF you want it to be open), and puts you in a position of power by leaving you in charge of any future follow-up. If you are grateful for the opportunity that has been offered or appreciate the ask even though you need to decline, say so: "I am honored to be asked, but I'm stretched too thin right now to devote the time I would need to deliver anything of quality to you." Another example is, “You coming to me really means a lot.” Or, “Raincheck? Please don’t stop inviting me! I might be able to come another time.”
Create a Buffer.
If the request is something you want to fully consider before saying no, it is worthwhile to take a break before responding. An alternate situation in which a break may help, would be when you are being met with a lot of pressure to say yes and feel yourself giving in even when you know you do not want to. In such a circumstance it may help to step away and recenter yourself around your reasons for saying no before moving back into the arena to definitively decline: “After giving this some thought, and checking my commitments, I won’t be able to.”
When You Cannot Say No, Ask for What You Need to Say Yes.
In a work situation it can be especially difficult to say no, particularly if what is being asked of you is a requirement of the job. One way to deal with impossible demands at work is to put the burden of prioritizing back on the person asking: You might say, "I'm happy to do X, Y, and Z; however, I would need three weeks, rather than two, to do a good job. How would you like me to prioritize them?" Alternatively, “I can get this dome for you, if someone can assist me.”
Create a Culture Where No is Accepted & Respected.
If you want the freedom to say no, allow others the same. Creating a culture of acceptance where people are not criticized, left behind, ridiculed, minimized, or seen as rejecting because they said no will allow everyone the room to live more honestly and in alignment with their values. We are part of creating the culture we live in, so changing that culture begins with us.
We cannot truly say “yes” unless we are able to say no. Unless we have that option to choose no, we are not really choosing yes. Choice is a privilege. Saying no is a privilege. Let’s learn to get comfortable with it.
Remember, Your Worth Does not Depend on How Much You do For Others.
Let this one sink in and bolster you when you feel you are about to give yourself away by saying, “yes.”
CAVEAT: WHEN TO SAY YES, EVEN IF YOU WANT TO SAY NO.
I am not advocating saying no to everything that might be unpleasant or hard. Sometimes we may not want to do something; we may not feel up to it, we may find it challenging or unpleasant, we may be exhausted. However, if it is something that is going to have to be done, your no will mean someone else will have to say yes. Here is an innocuous example; you may hate washing the dishes, but if you don’t wash them, someone else will have to. In this way, saying “no” can sometimes have the impact of shifting a burden onto someone else. No’s can have a cost too. This can happen in families where one sibling takes on the burden of aging parents if his or her other siblings are unwilling to help. These imbalances cause resentment and fracture relationships.
Just as it is ok to protect ourselves by saying no, it is also important to be aware of whether our self-protection may place an undue burden on others. In such situations, saying a little bit of yes will help to create much more equity in the distribution of responsibility. Sometime we say yes, so another (who may be more overburdened) can say no.
REFERENCES:
Alpert, Jonathan. 7 Tips for Saying No Effectively. https://www.inc.com/jonathan-alpert/7-ways-to-say-no-to-someone-and-not-feel-bad-about-it.html
Babauta, Leo. (2021). The Gentle Art of Saying No for a Less Stressful Life. Lifehack. https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/the-gentle-art-of-saying-no.html
Blikman, Chantalle. How to Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No. Tiny Buddha. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-saying-yes-want-say-no/
Tartakovsky, Margarita (June, 2021) How and When to Say No. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no
Tulgan, Bruce (2020). Learn When To Say No. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/09/learn-when-to-say-no