Boundaries
This month we are exploring the power of saying no, and how the word no can help us to lead authentic, fulfilled lives.
For many of us, particularly women, this is a very difficult concept. We have been raised with the idea that saying no is mean or rude, selfish or unfriendly. We have been taught from a young age to be agreeable and helpful - and many of us have taken this lesson to heart… and to a fault.
In friendships, in families, with coworkers… even with strangers, many of us are afraid to say no for fear of being disliked, of not being accepted, of being viewed as difficult.
So we say yes.
Yes, I can do that errand for you. Yes, I can watch your child. Yes, I can drive you to the airport. Yes, I can take on that extra work.
But something gets lost in all of those yesses. Every time you say yes to someone, you are saying no to someone else - and in most circumstances, that someone else… is ourself.
“Yes, I can do that errand for you” means prioritizing their errand over your own. “Yes, I can drive you to the airport” means taking time you had planned for another activity.
Each yes individually can be harmless. But enough yesses, and suddenly your time is not your own. Too many yesses and your priorities disappear.
So how do we draw the line?
The answer is boundaries.
Boundaries are exactly that - a line. Real or imaginary. Boundaries indicate the separation between you and someone else. Between your wants, your needs, your priorities, and those of those around you. Boundaries indicate the parts of you, physical, mental or emotional, to which others have access - or not.
Think of it as a fence between two yards. Imagine two neighbors, two yards - no fence. If one neighbor was constantly using the other’s yards without asking - letting their dog out there, setting up picnics there for their own friends, maybe picking flowers from the garden… treating the neighbor’s yard as if it were merely an extension of their own. Now imagine the same neighbors, same yards… but this time with a fence dividing the two. No longer can the dog roam freely between yards, no longer can picnics and parties flow from one yard to the other, no longer does the neighbor have free access to the garden beds - access needs to be specifically granted. This is a boundary.
Now replace the word “neighbor” with “friend” and the word “yard” with “time.”
Without boundaries, one friend could infringe on the other’s time. Or feelings. Or mental capacity. Completely unchecked and with no regard to the effect on their friend. The ravaged garden and dog-mess in the yard turns into a harried friend whose time is disrespected and emotional needs are being trampled.
Now, I get it - we don’t always want fences between us and our neighbors - we like the kids to be able to play between the yards just like we want to be able to support our friends in whatever way we can. That’s why fences can have gates. Or why the fences don’t even have to be actual, physical fences. The important part is that the division between me and you, between mine and yours… the respect is in place, with or without a physical fence.
My favorite quote about boundaries is from Prentiss Hemphil. It says:
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
What this means to me is that boundaries are the limits at which I can express my love for you, for my friends, for my family, for my work, without deteriorating who I am, my own life and my own priorities.
So how do we do it? How do we set boundaries for ourselves? Here are a few tips to help you get started:
Understand why you need the boundary. Reflect on what it is you need or expect from the relationship, and what is being asked of you. Evaluate how these needs interact and how they affect your mental and emotional wellbeing and determine what you need to do to support the relationship while still protecting yourself.
Do not expect the same boundaries to apply to every situation or relationship. Different relationships will require different boundaries, and those boundaries can shift within relationships and they grow and change. It is best to start tighter and adjust as comfort grows rather than to start looser and risk damage to the future of the relationship.
Do not apologize for setting a boundary. Boundaries are a form of self care, and respecting another person’s boundaries is a true way of respecting that other person. You do not have to apologize for making sure that your own health, time and needs are respected.
Be consistent. Once a boundary is set, some people may try to test it. Letting boundaries slip and slide will create confusion and chaos within the relationship.
Communicate. This is the key to any successful relationship, but also in establishing, maintaining and understanding boundaries. We are all human, and we are all in a constant state of growth and change. As such, our needs are ever changing. And the only way to fully respect each other and the relationships we have with each other is to communicate.
So let’s remove the negative connotation from the idea of boundaries. Let’s realize the true power in understanding the individuality of each other and of respecting each others’ unique needs and priorities. Setting, maintaining and respecting boundaries is a beautiful way of honoring yourself, those around you and the relationships between you. Setting boundaries, understanding your limitations, needs and priorities, allows others to show up for us, helps us show up for them, and, most importantly, helps us show up for ourselves.