Avoiding Burnout: Saying No in Order to Say the Right Yes.

Jill Lepore (2021), in a recent article in The New Yorker, noted:

“To be burned out is to be used up, like a battery so depleted that it can’t be recharged. In people, unlike batteries, it is said to produce the defining symptoms of “burnout syndrome”: exhaustion, cynicism, and loss of efficacy. Around the world, three out of five workers say they’re burned out. A 2020 U.S. study put that figure at three in four.”

That is a lot of people. 

The term and phenomena of burnout is relatively recent; it was first coined in 1974 by an American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger, in his book, Burnout: The High Cost of High Achievement. There has been much written on burnout since and it has been shown to occur across a broad spectrum of professions, as well as non-work situations (such as parenting or caretaking) in which one is exposed to prolonged or repeated stress.  Across the board, the three main dimensions of burnout include exhaustion, cynicism (less identification and connection with job- or work-related activities), and reduced performance.

According to Psychology Today, specific signs of burnout can include physical and mental exhaustion, cynicism, anger, irritability, dwindling interest in work and relationships, and a sense of emptiness, apathy, and hopelessness. Depression, increased use of substances, appetite and sleep changes, somatic symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches, as well as a decline in immunity and physical health have all also been associated with burnout. 

Understanding the complex causes of burnout is the first step to addressing it.  While creating healthier work environments to buffer the stress and demands of work with managerial support, role clarity, more reasonable workload, or measured expectations (Scott, 2020), can help with work related burnout, I want to focus on a finding that surprised me.  Burnout is not simply related to the number of hours worked or the amount of work, but what is being understood more and more is that other factors such as the amount of control experienced in carrying out a task, and whether the task falls within a person’s zone of strength, both affect burnout.  More profound to me is the added finding that the connection of the work to one’s sense of self, values and meaning, also plays a significant role.

It seems then burnout, often the culprit is not doing too much - it’s misalignment - doing too much of the wrong thing.

When you are doing something that does not feel meaningful to you, either because it does not align with your values, with who you are, with your strengths, or does not feel like a positive challenge where you feel you are contributing, it can cause burnout.  According to Psychology Today:

“To counter burnout, having a sense of purpose, having an impact on others, or feeling as if one is making the world a better place are all valuable. Often, meaningfulness can counteract the negative aspects of a job. Other motivators include autonomy as well as a good, hard challenge.”

If the culprit is misalignment, the solution then becomes realigning what you do with what matters to you and with areas in which you feel you have an impact.  It becomes about learning what to say “yes” to and what to say “no” to.   

I believe we all want to contribute to the world in some way.  We all want to feel like we have a positive impact and that we matter.  However, time and energy are finite.  Unless we are able to say “no” to the things that are not in alignment with our areas of strength (no matter how much we want to contribute in that way), or our values, we will deprive ourselves of the opportunity to say yes to the things that do more to feed our souls. 

Yet saying “no” is hard for many of us.  Me included.  Sometimes it is external pressures that drive us to say yes; we are a culture where productivity is the gold-standard, almost to the point where lack of sleep, or even “burnout”, could be worn as a badge of honor.  We are lazy unless we are producing every waking moment of everyday.  Except on vacation of course, the one or two weeks we take off a year, if lucky.  Even then the question is often, “what did you do on your vacation?”  Do?!  How about non-doing? And who else feels guilty for sitting down to eat a quiet lunch?  I always used to work while I gobbled down a quick lunch, but now I try to force myself to not work, well, at least for the couple of days a week I actually get to eat lunch.  However, I confess, I do it in hiding lest anyone think I am a real loser for taking that time in the middle of day for my mind and body to rest. 

There are many internal drives as well that keep us being “yes” people.  For example, we don’t want to disappoint others because in the end we all want to be liked.  Another drive is not wanting to seem incompetent or unable to do the work.  FOMO is a big driver as well; we don’t want to feel left out.  I realized recently the big one for me, more existentially, is a fear of becoming irrelevant. I have this fear that if I don’t participate, or don’t say yes to things, if I do less, I will be of no use to anyone, and they will forget me.  If I don’t keep producing or giving of myself, my existence won’t matter.  These internal drives are tricky, because they create an internal conflict, a confusion, where there is a needy part of us that wants to do something, which then clouds the more authentic part of us that knows we shouldn’t.

Here is the thing though, causing disappointment, seeming incompetent, having a negative impact, are all a greater possibility when we say yes to the wrong things.  Chances of failure are higher if we engage in work that is less meaningful for us, if our skills are not in synch with the demands of the work, or if we are overextended and stressed.  In the end, the way to have the most positive impact and feel good, is to learn to hear ourselves clearer so we can say “no” in order to say the right “yes”.

How do we do it? 

Build awareness. 

Think. 

Become aware of your drives as well as the internal conflicts that may be playing themselves out.  Become aware of what truly leaves you feeling full versus depleted, and open to what you are good at versus areas that may not be quite in your wheelhouse. Plan your days so if you have to do the latter, you put in enough of the former. Most importantly, don’t judge any of it.  Acceptance of who we are, what we have to offer (or not), and what works for us process-wise, is crucial to being able to offer what is best and most authentic in ourselves. 

According to Charles Duhigg, who wrote, Smarter Faster Better: The Secrets of Being Productive in Life and Business, productivity is highest when we slow down to think about what is most important to us.  He says,

“There is only one killer productivity app: thinking more deeply.”  

Duhigg suggests thinking to make sure what you are doing right now is what is most important to you currently, but also know it may be different tomorrow.  While it seems counterintuitive, especially in our culture, productively is highest when we slow down enough to be able to question whether the thing we are doing is truly connected to our why.  Our whys change over time as we change, so knowing how to say the right “yes” requires constant check-ins with ourselves over time.

The real gold-standard is open, non-defended self-awareness and acceptance.

And don’t be afraid to say “no”.

References:

Lepore, Jill (2021).  Burnout; Modern Affliction or Human Condition? The New Yorker, May, 17, 2021. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/05/24/burnout-modern-affliction-or-human-condition

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/burnout

Scott, Elizabeth. (2020). Burnout Symptoms and Treatment.  Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/stress-and-burnout-symptoms-and-causes-3144516