Dare to Rebel
Sometimes, after reading a piece I wrote, someone will say to me something to the effect of, “I admire your openness, you are so brave about sharing.”
My first thought is “Shit, did I share something that shameful or embarrassing that I now need to sneak away, get online immediately, and delete?” Then another almost simultaneous thought is, “Huh? What I shared seemed so universal and human to me, what was brave about it?” A third thought that lags a little behind the others is, “Isn’t it sad that people feel the need to hide parts of themselves; that they don’t feel safe enough to share their life experiences or certain parts of themselves?”
Ever since I have been able to think of myself in relation to others, I’ve always felt like an outsider. On the edge of the inner circle. I never “quite” fit. I was never socially equipped to know the secret things one should know to belong. Unable to engage in small talk, missing cultural references and slang, unaware of the latest trend in fashion, Reality TV or Tik Tok, and not always understanding what the hell was so funny.
This feeling of being an “outsider” was also true within my family of origin. I am the middle child. I was also the rebel child, doing the wrong things the wrong way. I never earned the stars on the behavior charts. At least that’s my experience of me.
There was a period in my life where I got really quiet, and I avoided (maybe sometimes still do) social situations, especially large social situations. Honestly, they freak me out. In my doctoral program it took tremendous effort to raise my hand and speak, even when I had questions or thoughts to share. Subconsciously I think I tried to disappear; I wore clothes that were too big and swallowed me whole, I spoke in a whisper, so I was barely audible. I did not dare risk showing who I was. No bright colors, nothing but bland and safe. I didn’t try to become someone I wasn’t to be accepted, but I think that was because I didn’t know how to be anyone else. However, who I was, I hid.
The problem with hiding is it’s a lonely place. No one truly sees you, and as a result there is no real connection. None of us, no matter how introverted, can thrive or feel fulfilled without some deep connection.
Mine may have been a more extreme example of self-constructed invisibility, but I think most of us do this in little ways every day. We hide our truth. Even at times from ourselves. Don’t believe me? What do you say when someone greets you with, “How are you?” Are you truly “fine?”
How many times do we feel compelled to agree when we don’t really agree? Do we really like what everyone says is the next best thing? The next best restaurant, or fashion trend? Do we even know what we truly like; what fills us with joy and makes us feel at peace? Or do we end up chasing the things society tells us will make us happy? And if we do have an internal sense of knowing, are we willing to stay there and forgo the next trend, big job, prestigious position, power, money, beauty, or youth other people are chasing?
Ironically what makes it difficult to hear our true selves as well as our deeper needs and wants, is the very human and almost desperate need to belong. When we were hunters and gatherers survival depended on belonging to a community. Although our lives are far more independent now, in some ways we still need others to survive. More significantly, we need others to be happy; connection has a powerful impact on our sense of meaning and joy.
The pull to belong means we are driven to be accepted by our “tribe”. It means wanting to be an insider, and we do that by valuing the things our tribe deems valuable and succeeding in the ways the tribe considers important. It means buying into the tribal culture. The more success within the frame of that culture, the more solid our position within the tribe.
Martha Beck, who wrote The Way of Integrity, suggests that living in integrity means living as one thing, our whole being living in accordance with our true nature. But, she says, we often give up or nature (what we truly yearn for, and what would truly make us happy) to fit into culture. We do this in big ways and in small ways every day without even being fully aware of it. When culture draws us into something that is not true of our nature, we split in two, and when we split, we are no longer in integrity. Culture by the way, does not have to mean some major ethnic group or tribe, according to Beck, “anytime there are two people in a room, culture is the third guest at the table.” (On Purpose Podcast, 2022). Two people together create a culture.
I think about this need to belong, and what has happened as social media has changed the landscape of our social interactions. As the broader world becomes more integrated via social media – we’re moving from silos of different tribes/cultures to a more singular dominant culture (or in the case of polarization, we have two major cultures pitted against one another). While on the surface, people seem to be trying to be different and stand out, we are all really just trying to stand out within the channels or “trends” set by social media culture. The pull created by such a dominant culture feels more like a powerful vortex we are irresistibly drawn into.
What does this all mean for independent thought? For outsiders? For truth? For living in integrity? I don’t know to be honest, but from what I see, I fear it is becoming harder to live free from influence. Culture created by the penetration of social media is omnipresent, and it is loud, making it hard to resist, while the isolation created by trying to resist it is also loud; it is more deeply and broadly felt. It is becoming harder to separate, to hear ourselves, and to own what our true nature really needs and yearns for.
How do we fix this?
We cannot risk difference UNLESS difference becomes our cultural value.
Think about your own nuclear family; how much difference in opinion or different ways of being do we tolerate? A family culture that accepts more differentiation will have children who feel safer differentiating. Greater openness and acceptance allows for safer exploration, increased curiosity, growth, creativity, AND creates room for children to break from familial norms, and perhaps, rebel. (Now I know rebels are not necessarily looked on positively but hold on to that a sec…I’ll come back to it.)
The same is true of society and culture. If our culture becomes one where the only imperative is that we value truth, authenticity, and uniqueness, then we can break free of “shoulds”-based, next-best-thing-based, be-like-me-to-fit-in-based, restrictive cultures. If we cultivate greater curiosity, acceptance, and openness to difference, we allow room for people to be who they are. When we allow room, people won’t need to hide parts of themselves.
Yes, part of the work of daring to show up honestly and authentically is the inner work of self-acceptance, self-awareness, and developing courage to stand out and alone (if necessary), but as a creator of culture (which we all are) we can also help by creating environments that don’t require sameness for belonging but instead celebrate difference, uniqueness, awkwardness, weirdness, and rebellion.
We are back to rebels. Why do we want rebels? They live outside the lines, which means they come up with different solutions and different creations outside of the norm. Steve Jobs was a rebel. He did everything against what they said he should do, and he changed the whole world. Martin Luther King was a rebel, so were Gandhi, Desmond Tutu, and Rosa Parks. Despite what we think of them, even the Kardashians stepped out of the norm and ended up creating an empire which created a whole new culture. We don’t want a world without rebels. We don’t want a world without divergence, it won’t iterate or grow. The less space we create for independence, the less innovation we will have.
As individuals, we need to become aware of when our need to belong is strangling us and holding us back from what we truly want and believe. However, as a creator of culture we need to make sure we are not also creating the bars that hold others back. It starts with us, but as we set examples, we can create the first wave of a new cultural revolution.
In my own journey, I had to do the inner work (still have to) to remove my own invisibility cloak and feel safe enough to be me, out loud. But in some ways my social awkwardness also helped me. Since I never really fit in, I eventually gave up trying to fit and became practiced at being a little on the outside. I find now, I don’t have as much difficulty saying no, I am open to trying something odd, new, or innovative, and I don’t feel as great a pressure to conform as I feel others do. It freed me. And yes, it is why I can share with you some (not yet all!) of my truth and can be open about some of my experiences. It isn’t brave. It’s all I’ve known how to be.
Instead of thinking of myself as an outsider, perhaps I am, and always have been a bit of a rebel. And as a rebel, I encourage you to be one too.